Kurt's Korner

wen will I eveer learn

2009-03-26T21:45:00.000-07:00

That is wat I am doin g now agin. When I ahave a drinkee or sixten i awnat to communicat with my redershp who read teh this blog. I hoope you jnderstand that wat is in my heart and that I lovv e you al. My frieind mIkey sent me the sign that is above. Said to read it when I am in tis mood often,

teh mAN! My MAN o'BAMMA!

2009-03-22T22:55:00.000-07:00

it wil go away

2009-02-26T22:01:00.000-08:00

I woke up p 2day with this conditon in my face i went to a gay bar last nite maybe somethin g happebnded that I dont remeber. it was a cool gay bar where you can play pool, eat great food and look at people who aren't ugly. they let mein becuse I said I was from he long Beach bord of health and had to check stools.but my spidey bar sense told me it was a good place to get plowed and rowdy. m,eanng a good nite for Hot Mess and and the gay boys in tighty whities dancing on the pool tables wich i like to wach. hombre

I did not know that WAR is gay but that is wat happned it was like some shit out of a horror movie.I just kept thinging of the Blue Oyster from Police Acadamy. is th ere such thign as TOO GAY? Creme of Sum Yun Guy

I a m sory

2009-02-12T18:44:00.000-08:00

Te last post shuld have bveen finishd but I got distarcted by some thing on teh innernets and fogot to fnishw aht I was sayin.g.

I will compleet it tomorow.

o JOY!

2009-02-12T18:19:00.000-08:00

It is 2O09 and I am back on the intenets to write to for you as I did in the former years. we hafe anew prsdent a black NEGro who will stop the gobal warmig soon and help us with the banking scandals and why everone has teir stock porfolios losing money and housing mrket.

I have t admit to youwhy I hae been not blgging lately but that is bcause I was inlvvoled in a lawsuit wth a recored label who wanted to prvent me from relaseing my new ousider music disc o whihc I cover all jandek songs and include samples from hophip records that m the labl says wer not porpperly lisensed but I sa fuck them bcause tese hophop arists did not get license when they stole sampls for

i am bored with this post. Ccan I come bck latr to finsh?

it is SO time

2008-11-26T19:59:00.001-08:00

Amd i "m back at the bloggging game. The best there is in the HOUSE! and on the webs so Immready to begin to comment int he poltics of wWashington s new fist family the Osammas! I am deligted that we finall has a muzlim presiddnt who will know how to negotite with the rest of the wordls terrirists in a way tat mamkes them stiop wantig to bomb us every 5ive minutes. I dont know what IM;'m saying actually beuecauase i need another bong hit. last nite rocco had some fucking wheelchair dope! we wuz criuppled.

Fuck blewit agin i am not goin t blog again for a whil. am going back to booty grazing. someone out tere for me tonight four shore!

I haf not Gone Aaawy!

2008-09-19T18:15:00.000-07:00

Just inc ase some of you were wondering if Iwhy I was havenot been postig on the interenets lately it is becuase I was learning some new things about my IPOD digital hand device which if you never have hear of it is can help you accompish a lot f things all at once in a small hand held device for udner 300$.

As you know the old people s of the world one of which is runnig for P{resident of the nation cannot use the computer devvices to reach the inernets and read my blog for enligtenmight. We shuld not vot for them because they cannot protect us the american citzens. Insted vote for the other one whois able to know how to communiate with the leaders of rogue regimes who are bildig neuclear weapens to kill us and jews and, that is he knows to how to text them a negotiate.

reaching critical ass

2008-07-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

Looks like I;ve reached another milestone. It's these [BURP] fugkin snacks. I am hugnry. so I eat a much. At the lefft is a pichter of eme when Ihad a beard. I am working the intenets and bloging like I do now. this is me at my optimum waight. my docter says.

Below is another picter of me afeter I shaved and had hiarcut. I am laying in the bed unmoved becaues I cannot get up easily. It is like I am Dale the Whale.Biederbeck
if you has any recipies for being thin please send them to me at kurt@kurtbenbenek.com. I think it is effectng my health

HYPE YOU CAN BELIVE IN

2008-07-09T18:46:00.000-07:00

The more I hear Berak Obama speak the more I think he the messiah political messiah we all needs to kill the BIG OIL companys and BIG TABACCO companys becaue they ruining America. and remove our troups from the Iraq place. I know other peoples have got a plan better plan to conqeur the nation and make us all behave so the world starts to love us again like tey getting off with a jack Rabbit vibrater between ther legs.

despite the fact that Obama a GAY nigro he been to ivy League colledges and he is a speaker who inspire the peple with hope and change and hope. I really like his change slogan CHANGE YOU CAN LIVE IN. Altho I am not a peson who likes peiple of different skin color than me (pasty white) iI think oBama dserves a change to be president because all thewhite guys who have the had the job have fucked it up and made us make war and kill young soldiers sacrifce their lives and poor and minoritys family.But the Bush they got to go now beucause the poll people say that 9% of Ameriacns don't wait to remove him

Now I have been wrong before altough not about MUSIC but about poltics (I urged yoy to go and vote for Hillery before in the pimaries and she lost becasue she was what every one knew a CUNT and now I think you go need to and go vote for hte little Nigro Boy who say YES WE CAN liek the Samy Davis JR book YES I CAN bcause it a white world but Nigro can be impotent if they strive to work above. And you need to stick it in the CAN Beacuse if I can anybody can.

this is relevent to my interests!

2008-07-01T22:07:00.000-07:00

These are teh sorts of picthers I find on the internets that I find most innereseting. This is a MAN who is going to say to to the micrphones as he gets his erection to the fore front and it stands up to speak. "Listen says his pecker. "Feel the love of dick inside me. My most magnificently majestic manifestation of raw power and potency with it's gigantic length and girth."

I wojld do this too if ayone would want to take my piciture.

I haf had enough!

2008-05-10T10:15:00.000-07:00

I kn ow I am going to get into trouble wiht this bjut I feel very strongy that Presid. Bush Should be IMPEACH! I have had enough of his bad presidecny
and his taking of my civil rights and tortering the terrortists at Guatnomo Bay camp. And the WAR in the arab place! where he kill all those Iraqui citzens.

No one wants to talk about this theuy treat the Pres. Bush as like he is some kind of king who they cannot touch or complain about like sheep. But I feel think there is now a time for a national dialoge in all 57 states (but not Alaska and Hawai) about why we should kick or boot and remove the president Bush from office and replace him wiht someone who will win the respect of the American people. I know the FBI and the CIA and the Thought Police will probably being to compile a file on me for being a dissentor but it is American as apple pie to dissent and patriotic too so I am spekaing my mind as clearly and strongly as I can and sayhing what otehrs may be thinking but will not admit: that Bush is a bad President! and he shold be impeach.

I am thinking of organizing a protest march in dowtown Long Beach wiht my friends who are working and payingt too much time playing video games and face book and they need to be be require to work. They need to shed their cynycisim. and put down their division. They need to become out of their isolation and move out of teh comfort zones and push themself to be better, to engage. I will never allow them to go back to there lives as usual, uninvolved, uninformed.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

2008-05-07T09:15:00.000-07:00

Firstly I would like to state that my words were mine and only mine.

What I wrote on websites was totally unacceptable and I am not very proud of it. I can see how terribly offensive and stupid what I wrote was. That is not me as a person and I can't explain how terrible I feel for saying them. What can I do to make you feel better?

After speaking to various members of the blogging community, I have visited a psychiatrist and been under care so that I can properly further understand how my words upset people.

My stupidity hurt a lot of people and I hope to make ammends with each and every one of you. I can assure you I have nothing against bloggers or those who practice blogging and this comment is just one of many I will make in regards to my ignorance and personal insecurities.

I also realise how I have damaged my reputation. Gina and I are doing well and she is my rock. Gayle however will not compose any folk balleds with me anymore (probably for the best).

I know now that my bottlebrush reputation will be forever tainted and the remorse I am feeling will be a constant reminder of that.

Can we put all of the behind us? Please leave me a comment. I need to know if I am still alive.

Lifetime of Pain

2008-04-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

Piano Muziks and Lyricsist by Kurt. A. Benbenek, Incorporating

I couldn't stand the thought of burying you.
You're the only mother what I wouldn't do.
Did I say wouldn't? I meant: couldn't you
Lie down with me all up on top of you?
Dissecting you. (Emphasis mine.)

Bridge -

Oh, I thought Mummy'd find it funny
Me sniffing all that glue,
but every time
a harmless crime
such as blowing up a zoo,
is perpetrated by a native
of Ouagadougou, you surely
won't be
holding me,
whipping me,
inspecting meat
for at least a year or twoooooo. (<--Hold this part out for emphacyst!)

Loving me, and shoving me, and taunting me,
oh, Mummy what do I have to do to deserve you?
Why do / have you to die on me, Mummy? Fucking mum-hole.

yES, i HAVE FUCK MY MOTHER! (Screem at top of the lungs, like Keran Finlay or Josh Brolin=SuperHAWTT!!)) This will be like a Jem Morison of Doors)

(Fade to black. ImPORTANT!$money savings))

-------------------------------------

@BIG TIME COPRIGHT DISCLAIMER NOTICEFICATION TOS SERVICE LETTER. READ ALL OR YOU WILL BE BANQUISHED AND DIE..> Do not copy any portion of this for yours of any purposes, without emailing at me first to let me hear if you have the monkey tied to a chair with the naked little boy yet. Only if you're the old guy MahCloschky in my building who I wanted to.

I am accepting many litters of encourgement to join with the Navy soon in pursuing the career of old time sailor man. They keep talking abaout some kind of rock. Wish all your daisies were sunshine, Sugarcup! Bon Voyage, as the Edmirals say!

Obama is dogshit!

2008-04-08T18:28:00.001-07:00

perso, il me fait peur, dans ses discours j'entends beaucoup de rage , d'envie de revanche contre les blancs, il veut venger le peuple noir de l'esclavagisme, il n'a que faire des blancs, des hispano, des amérindiens, seuls les noirs compte à ses yeux.

en plus les Kennedy (dont les liens avec la mafia sont connu depuis très longtemps) lui apporter leurs soutient, on peut s'inquieter .

quand j'entends ça je ne peux m'empecher de faire le rapprochement avec les discours d'un certain adolph qui harangué les foules en 1933.... on a tous vu ce que ça donné !

what we all Need

2008-03-29T18:31:00.000-07:00

Me: blogger, linguist (French and German), Obamma suppoter, Beefheart athourity, guitarist, web troll, film enthusist, bookworm, identity theif, political anorak, celebity impersonater, good-looking and sensitive, music ousider, seeks delinquent youth (deranged and homicidal) for hugs and friendship, to demonstrate commitment to social justice and [loud farting sound] getting attntion from peeplz. Send PERSONL PICZ PLZ or die.

more practice is perfect

2008-03-17T19:17:00.000-07:00

This is wh at I want to do to all the peoples who that make funs of me because I am see thing diferently then them. I have a vision of the world and how we CaN have world Peace with the univerasal file sharing of downloading mp3s of great music. BUt first we must rid Earth of the excrescences who befoul our planet and impose theyre estehetic of good and ousider music on the rest of us. You know their names. And mine. REmember when you read about me in the papers that I toldyou I would prevale. CO ming to get YOU.!

Practice Makes Purfekt

2008-02-28T14:20:00.000-08:00

Kurt Allen Benbenek
Internet Revolutionary
Known Child Molestor

Kurt Allen Benbenek
Internet Revolutionary
Known Child Molestor

Kurt Allen Benbenek
Internet Revolutionary
Known Child Molestor

Kurt Allen Benbenek
Internet Revolutionary
Known Child Molestor

Kurt Allen Benbenek
Internet Revolutionary
Known Child Molestor

Kurt Allen Benbenek
Internet Revolutionary
Known Child Molestor

Kurt Allen Benbenek
Internet Revolutionary
Known Child Molestor

Kurt Allen Benbenek
Internet Revolutionary
Known Child Molestor

Kurt Allen Benbenek
Internet Revolutionary
Known Child Molestor

Kurt Allen Benbenek
Internet Revolutionary
Known Child Molestor

Kurt Allen Benbenek
Internet Revolutionary
Known Child Molestor

FORUMWARZ

2008-02-21T14:14:00.000-08:00

Have you been aware of what is happening on the interweb pipes?

FORUMWARZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The people that invented this website stole my fucking ideas! Houseplant Photo Studios IS one of the FIRST websites on the interwebs - since 199fuckin6. I own many and created websites before many. There are two guidelines to remember when respecting elders. One: We came first. Two: You can try to parody us but you will lose. Three: I will beat you up and make you cry.

Do you think a schoolyard bully loses his touch? Think again buttmunchers. I will pin to the ground anyone who does not respect my authority and let my spit go up and down over your face and scare you a whole lot. Gina tries to say something to me, I pin her down and let my spit out. Until the future when I can spit on the interwebs I will play by interweb games.

I find out on Interwebs they have a photo of me? As a fucking CAMWHORE! I am a troll goddammit! Haven't yoiu seen my fuckingg work on teh interwebs fucking fuckerfaces!?!?!?!!O!O!!!

I am so fuckging angry i can bearley type.

Can I say one thing? ONE ThiNG?

RESPECT KURT BENBENEK OF HOUSEPLANT PHOTO STUDIOS! OR I'll GET MADDER!!

going underground

2008-02-17T18:03:00.001-08:00

They had rumors on the internets that the people I was stalking and prettending to be on message boards and comments sections of blogs are taking legal action against me and will soon be issuing a lawsuit to sue my ass for idenity theft. so I am chagnging my identity real quck. I went to a hairdresser today and bougt some new clothing for a new look and here it is for my frends who r ead my blog only since my enemies do NOT read my blog!!!!! I am will be moving out of Long Beach to stay ahead of the law so if you see me (see picture at RIGHT) and you recogize me pleaes be accomodation with food and a place to sleep. I can help you if you want to barter for help I can set up yor website like houseplantpicturestudios.com is one of the biggest traffic site for inneresting music & beefheart boots and I can — wait, SHIT! — who's ring the bell at this hour?????

I am, equal opprtunity against religion

2008-02-13T18:30:00.000-08:00

I have taken my go0d shots at the Moslems who are fuckin crazy and they deserve to meet go to they're 72 virgins ASAP. And the JEWS. who control the internets. But I want you peop;le who read this bLog to know th at I hate all reglion equally. ioncluding the christian fundamenalists where my friend Tony P. took this picture of me today hoding up this sign at a Love America First rally in Long beach. Of course TOny photoshiopped the picture to maek me look THIN! HA!! HA

Just a reminder

2008-02-06T18:54:00.000-08:00

I still suck. ANd I know it.

I would like you to paint my tonails and cum on my feet.

I jerkoff to DVDS of Charleys Angles. And I brings the rukus to the ladys.

I will save the economy

2008-01-25T21:41:00.000-08:00

Beacause of the sum-prime mess that the Busch aminstration has gotten us into and the housing crisis I am having somethign great to offer all Americans real soon. I am getting it HOT AND READY and JEWCY!

it is my STIMULUS PACKAGE!!!!

It will be BIG. & make you very excited. I am working out the details with my cousin at the Fedral Reserve Benbenek Bernanke. Cum back later lassies and laddys.

blog down

2008-01-18T21:26:00.001-08:00

Kurt saying he computer be not work now good message am not can write message good. Kurt am typing by talking voice recognition soft. Back tomorrow being of posts for the backwards key being needs to fix. Mistakes get told and not for the public of know.

Grindhoosering Pilferunds

2008-01-11T18:48:00.000-08:00

OUCH. Goddam it. And I do mean IT.

Shit Happens

2008-01-08T09:39:00.000-08:00

I took a perfect sHIT yesterday and will put the on ebay soon. This is my first Great Work of 2008. with many more to cum. The creative spurts is flowing

Learning about islam - pt 3

2007-12-29T18:28:00.001-08:00

In My continuing series of bloging about learning of about the nature of The Relgiion of Peace so we can understand that these fanatics who want to kill us are just human beings too like us, I took some snapshots at a pro-islam rally that took place in Long Beach over the weekend. They say a picture say a thousand words, so I say I have no words to add to the profoundness of the pictures I took that say so much. We share our common humanity with our Muslem brothers and let's be tolernt of their views.

the Jew wars

2007-12-27T20:05:00.001-08:00

I did not come to this site to fight in the Jew Wars.
I came to rage against the lying of the right against injustice and cruelty and injustiuce. Instead, I found injustice, cruelty injustice and hate directed at me. And it was the Jews who are cruel and injusticed and hate.

I stopped trying to be Jews enemy earlier this year, not because I was reluctant to engage in verbal combat with people who insisted on making themself my enemies but because I discovered myself descending to their gutter Jew level from rational discourse to insults and invective.

Several months ago I resolved that I wold never again descend to the moral cesspit occupied by the haters (i.e. Jews). I would willingly engage in civil and rational justice discourse with anyone of good will, but if they refused I would ignore them or impersonate them on the internets.

Unfortunately, the same persons whose emnity and hostility were so pervasive before immediately resumed their campaign to discredit me and personate me, not only rejecting my overtures of peace and not hate, but mocking them. These hateful persons are Jews. At one point, I would have disregarded this fact, but I no longer can. This site will become the battleground of the Jew Wars, and it is not possible to escape the toxic fallout. Jews I come for you.

Men Without Torsos

2007-12-19T20:16:00.000-08:00

I am posting a new series of photos as a offshoot of my "Men Without Shirts" (and Hats) series (and other off shoots) but it will be "Men Without Body Parts Necessary to Wear Shirts." This is the first of one of the series which I took in my hometown o f Long Beach and am posting:

Plush Life

2007-12-15T01:45:00.000-08:00

Please help my friend who is being presecuted by the moslim fantics. I wish these people would take their stinking urine-drenched Korans and go aftr the JEWS already and stop picking on my friends who did have done nothing to them. muerderous bearded shitface goatfucking jagoffs. get some soap and change your maddrassa you fucken sand niggers!

THE HORRER... THE HORRER

2007-12-12T11:05:00.000-08:00

We know that in water boarding the victim is made to be scared and unsure about what happesn next. By any defenition of torture this is totally it. Now that the horible photoes are finally bein greleased to the world its hard to look and is ashamed to even be american. here is a pictue of an american "soldier" torturing a arab girl with waterboarding. How can she know what will happen next. Thats torture for you. I hate not to know aht will happen next, and that's why i always skip ahead and read the last part first so i'm not scared but how can you do that in a wet burka.you have to sit and take it and take it and so what kind of information can you be trusted for anyway when your all wet and are afraied that you may get even wetter or be made to sawllow water. which is fine if you want to and buy a bottle of waterto drink on your own but not so good if some bastard interogater says "drink! talk! drink talk!" like - duh - HELLO? HOw can you drink AND talk? Fucken stupid military.

I am changed my vote again

2007-12-12T09:23:00.000-08:00

OK, they say the old saying goes a "tiger is allowed to change his stripes once." (Or mabye it is a "zebra"?) Here I said to I was going to vote for Obamma Amiri Barak. Then I said it was going Hillary. Also I like the positons of Dennis Kucinich because he could be the best dancer to enter the White House and he also can communicate with everyone regardless of alienation.

But I have given the consideration much reconsideration and now am going to go over on a limb and change parties to become a Repubican and say that in 2008 election for presiddent I am going to vote for Bush! That is because he has not attacked the US as a terrorist since 2001 so obviousliy he is doing a good job and deserves anotother term. I do not think I want him to be inpeached anymore so tell the COngress not to do it anymore. I will be campaigning for Bush President and donating to his campaign next year after we nominate him.

Party Time!

2007-12-09T04:36:00.000-08:00

Hay they're, y'all.

I always get exited whenever Gina's friends come over. Oh, there about the cleaverest folks you could ever hop to meat. Yes, they know of Dada. Anytime their around, you can bet we have us a filthy sex party. Cuz me and Gina are club-hopin' swingles, doncha know! N-E-wayz, hope you enjoy our excusive NFWS image below.

I'd would post the whole fotosets, but some of you are sqweamish when it cum to beatiful faties (which is now fashionible!). Lemme tell you: once I climbed out of Gina and she started vomitting on Jennifer, our cyclopic mongoloid sex slave, all heck broke loose! The picture don't not lie!

The miracle of ME

2007-12-03T18:41:00.000-08:00

The wonder and the beauty of my birthing stops me cold. When you think about how each of us came into being, it is less than a MIRACLE! I think of my father Bryce Benbenek and my mother Bonita Benbenek (nee Turdley) who were only together one time because she wore a poodle skirt that day! Daddy Bryce got frisky. Bonita's nipples bulged and perky. Daddy Bryce's "little Bryce" stood at uh-10-SHUN! Next thing you know: a sperm meets a egg and KURT becomes a thing!! but it is so much bigger than that in the HOLY PLAN.

You see before Bryce got his boner in Bonita, he had a plan which he called Plan 9. He signed Bontita's name to all these magazine subscriptions cards and got her all these fake suscriptions to famous magainzes that she didn't pay for. Then he would write leters to the editor of magazines and newspapers and sign her name and say things that would make her look stupid. and they got printed and people thought wtf. This was to get her attention. Then Daddy Bryce he would order things clothings and mechandise from catalogs and put her name and address on it look like she ordered it and then she got a bad credit ratting and could not get rid of it. LOL!!! Daddy was a funny man. Then he got her fucked and I was the baby born. She forgave him. A long happy marrage unsued.

But I am not here because Bryce Benbenek and Bonita Benbenek (nee Turdley) decided to stop on the way home from school one day and have a milkshakes and kiss and go to bed. Nor are you. Your life is no accident; you were LOVED into being and people had SEX to make you ALIVE. You exist because God loves you. BUT DON't forget the good SEX part too!

POO

2007-11-29T18:08:00.000-08:00

I wrote this book about Devo under a fake name, but the publishers were gay and they decided I was not their hunk of man, so they remaindered it and they did not give me any royalties now it is out of print (OOP, which is POO sdrawkcab). I called my friend Mark Motherbaugh who was the fake leader of Devo to get him on the phone but he did not return my calls because he was marrying a new wife and getting a new (fake) baby. Then I went to my lawyer and told him what was happening but he was having a delusional fit and his brain was being infiltreated by Belgian intel psyops. Then it was time for lunch. Then I had a seizure fit beacuse my reptile brain was being deluged by the Republican Christian CIA sockpuppets who convinced me that I did not really write that book and that my allegation of authorship was fake and that I did not really know Mark Motherbough or have attorney to call. Those were troubled time in my life a few minutes ago. You know what I mean? Like Lee Micheals sang about. My life is jazz. One riff after another improvised and not necesspecially being sequitur to the former riff becasue like Monk or Coldtrane we just blow daddy blow. All of us. But some better than others. Like me. You want to know about another book I thought to wrote? And the seqeul? Was that a bad dream or wot?

Note from the blog editor: Kurt can't help it. He's heavily medicated and does some bad stuff. But he makes up for it by sleeping 16 hours a day during which he does no harm.

If I was The President

2007-11-21T18:37:00.000-08:00

I think the president is crazy. He starts all sort of wars and then he makes make the American peoples pay for it with a big miltary budgit. Then he passes a bunch of laws that takes away our American freedom and he raises taxes and makes everything more expensive! Look at the price of OIL. now. The President should be inpeached! The American peoples should not take it anymore. THey should write leters to their congressman(-woman) and to their Supreme Court justice that they need to do something to get the President out of office now so we can have our constituton freedoms back and make America the place that is ruled by the people and respect the consitution. Free speech is not free if you are put in jail for SAYING WHAT YOU BELIVE!! The president say "Do not ask, do not tell!" but I say from being a homosexiual that you must be able to be LOUD and PROUD. And so that is wrong.

My civil rights has been taken away! Have you seen my civil rights? They were here just a few minutes ago.

I have thuoght about this alot so this is not immediate anger. I read the newwspaper and see what is happening to dmocracy in America. You remember the song from the 1970s it was not by the Muddy BLues it was by TEARS 4 FEARS and called "Every One Wants to Rule the World." I understand that song the way you domn't. I don't want to just be presiodent, I want to be KING and rule the world because I know how to bring peace and climate chjange that we need to save the planet which is inperiled. THe polar bears are dying. The artic ice caps is melting,. Stop driving your S.U.V. The KING has spoken

Kurt has been found

2007-11-20T20:37:00.000-08:00

Safe, if hungry. Bruises in a few odd areas (derriere, as if someone had kicked him repeatedly), but x-rays were negative. We cleaned him up, and escorted him back to his room.

Blogging will resume shortly. Thanks for your expressions of concern.

(posted by David G. Weinhardt)

Kurt exkapes!

2007-11-18T11:43:00.000-08:00

Your blog editor is saddened to announce that Kurt Benbenek escaped this morning from the Carrie White Clinic for the Regrettably Insane in Long Beach, where he has been under psychiatric care for the past 15 months. Benbenek was reported missing from the Dahmer Memorial Ward by two aides who arrived to serve Benbenek's customary "Elvis breakfast" and administer his meds at 8:00 a.m. They discovered his bed empty and his treasured collection of Sissy Boy and Booby Bear comics missing, the latter a clear sign that Benbenek's disappearance was neither an accident nor an abduction.

An anonymous source reported that Benbenek was spotted a few hours later sleeping under a dumpster behind the east end's Sneaky Tiki Boutique. However, a positive identification could not be confirmed because the figure was in blackface, and upon being awakened he scurried away. We think this was Kurt; he has a strange fixation with what he calls "Afrocan-Americans" and believes that despite his pallid complexion, he is of Central African tribal descent. Kurt has occasionally darkened his face with burnt cork to demonstrate racial solidarity. This east end incident was no doubt a misguided attempt to avoid detection. Such is the state of Benbenek's addled mind lately.

Kurt is not violence-prone, and we don't consider him a public menace in this respect. However, if he gets near a web portal, his (essentially self-destructive) behavior can be hazardous to the online community. Such anti-social patterns triggered Benbenek's arrest and subsequent institutionalization in summer 2006. By channeling his self-loathing into a harmless blog that nobody reads, his caregivers have managed to minimize Kurt's potential for damage to his intended victims—and to himself. They tried to imbue his empty life—a perverse existence lived virtually and vicariously—with meaning, to give him something else to do all day besides cry, fondle female custodial staff, and smear feces on the wall.

Now that he is no longer under clinical supervision, it is possible that Benbenek will revert to cretinous impersonations, pseudonymous comments, email harassment, list abuse, message board vandalism, and cyberstalking. Not good.

If you see this man, please contact the CWCRI in Long Beach. The reward for his return is the peace of mind that comes with knowing Kurt is again under the watchful care of professionals who won't let him near an internet connection.

(posted by David G. Weinhardt)

Advice to womens!

2007-11-11T07:05:00.000-08:00

You may think I'm a failure with the ladies but in fact I know SO much about the HEART of the venerible war between the sexes. And I am qualified to give good advice as the many lovelies who read this blog can figure out without me being overt about.

Here is an exampe of my advice help a damsal in distress,. This was emailed to me yesterday. I have changed the writer's name from Lisa Genovese to "Sheila Lukas" to protect her anonimity:

Dear Kurt:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. "Sheila Lukas"

+ + + + +

Dear "Sheila:"

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start first by checking if there is debris in the fuel line first. If it is not, check the jubilee clips that holds the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of this approaching solves the problem, it could be maybe that the fuel pump itself is not doing it's job and that causes low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Kurt

I am not alone!

2007-11-08T17:55:00.001-08:00

oK so I am not the only one who goes out and kills cats. ex-Presidents do too. But at least I use the meat well and cooking! (email me for good recepies.)

I am not saying you should go out and kills cats. Becuse I am not the kind of person who tells people what to do today. That was yesterday. I told people yesterday to do stuff-- like get a tatoo and vote for Hillary. And if you are a boys who wants to make with the girls you need to wash your ass. (They say!) , and I say also make kids not eat drugs anymore.

Speaking about drugs I was thinking about the 1960s the other day because I was too young to of been there (did you know that?) but it seems must have been a fermented time of open consciousness with people having sex any one. Heard the Moody Blues? They were not as avant grade as Beefheart but still they made some mind-alterbending music that the hippies sure of liked. "Timothy Leery's dead" is one of my favorite Moody's song.

As you can see I have digressed terribly from the original topic of killing cats. These days it is not easy for me to focus.They have regulted my meds dosage and sometimes it I can only get out of bed and find my glasses. All now.

Overcoming with my problems

2007-11-05T20:34:00.000-08:00

As I get older, some people think I get worse. But I get stronger. And my dick grows longer. Which rhymes with "songer" and "pronger." Those aren't real words. But James Joyce made shit up, so why can't I? They consider him a "genius."

I'm a "Genious." You know what that means? Read the fine print: "™"!!!!! Sue me. Because if you call yourself a "genious," I will SUE YOU. I have lawyers. AND CAN AFFORD THEM. Doubt me? Nigga, pleez.

Some people have tried to get rid of me. But I lived to stalk another day!

I have an embarrasing problem that I can't talk about in public, but it is one that I share with a famous world leader (who was a misunderstood good person). But I am going to eat more raw meat and that will help.

You may think I'm a retart in a retart home. Can't even read my own blog. Think again, oh Prince of Dorkness. I own you. I rule. I rawk. Your ass is mine. Fuck yourself. Try. But I'll fuck you first. And harder. Even if I have to dig a new hole.

A Message From the Blog Editor

2007-10-30T18:52:00.000-07:00

I feel compelled to interrupt the narrative flow of this blog to inform the readership that for the past seven months that this web journal has been active, I have been serving as Kurt Benbenek's online amanuensis cum facilitator. That is to say, Kurt does not literally post on this blog. He does so virtually by dint of my interceding between him (his thoughts, ideas, self-expression) and the blogosphere.

The process is as follows: during my daily visits to his "room" (which is in a clinical setting), Kurt gives me scraps of paper which contain handwritten entries representing his worldview and topical observations. I take this raw and rather disorganized material back to my studio, where I spend way too much (for what his caregivers pay me) time trying to decipher his scribble. Then I type up his comments, add photos which he has clipped — or ripped — from popular journals or old books, then hit "PUBLISH" under Kurt's byline.

I confess that it is sometimes difficult to transcribe Kurt's posts from the crayon originals. I have done my best, but confess that I don't always understand the "gist" of his messages. His assertions intermix contradictory impulses of omnipotence and self-loathing. Kurt, in fact, does not read his own blog; truth to tell, he is computer illiterate, a webtard, a man who barely understands how to use modern appliances other than a TV remote and a microwave. (As regards the latter, his caregivers have related several scary episodes involving Kurt's penchant for ... well ... coprophagia and cookware do not mix well.)

This has been gnawing at me for some time, and I just wanted to make clear that a deep strain of compassion causes me to sympathize with a man of Benbenek's limited intellectual faculties. At the same time, I don't think his obsessions and observations are ... healthy. I have conveyed my misgivings to his caregivers, but they insist that what I am doing on his behalf is therapeutic. I am not a psychiatric professional, and they are up-to-date with their invoices, so I have retained Benbenek as a "client."

But lately I don't sleep well.

(posted by David G. Weinhardt)

Election Day 2007!

2007-10-29T15:24:00.000-07:00

As you know (if you read this blog) the Presidental election is this year and it is probable the most important presidental election in MY lifetime! Many important issues are on the table, including health care, immigrates, oil, taxes, the nations children, war, death, climate change, the working poor and povertied people which pertains to voters like ME. I recommend that you vote for Hillary Roddam Clinton for President. Not only will she be the wors-- I mean the FIRST--female President lady, but she her husband will become the first "male" First Lady, and that is a sign of progress. Never mind the first black president or JEW, we can have that later. I think it is more importa that women who have the babies and thus make a tremendos contribution to the national gross product, while men simply ejaculate. So VOTE FOR HILLARY. I will be campaining door 2 door for her this Election day.

LATER UP DATE:
Ooops! As several nicely people have remembered me, the presidental election is NEXT year in 2009!

2ND UP DATE;
ooops again! I mean 2008 of course.I was totally confused by daylight saving time. which was yestrday.

BASEBALL - PART ONE! OF TWO!

2007-10-25T22:36:00.000-07:00

I played ball. Who doesn't? You? You are not worth my time if that is true. I have seen the game GROW and turn into something cartoon-funny. I have a lot on my mind.

Yesterday at the Wal-Mart™ a dozen of the television sets were on so I was watching them while waiting for Gina to finish in the Wal-Mart™ food section. Baseball season is here and they were talking about the Los Angeles Dodgers and some idiot player. It made me recall that move of the Dodgers from California and how angry I get when thinking about it. I stood there in the Wal-Mart™ aisle and BOO'ED as loud as I could. When I would not cease my vocal outburst I was escorted out of the Wal-Mart™. Gina and I will have to visit another Wal-Mart™ now that we have been told not to visit the 151 E 5th Street Wal-Mart™ any longer. That's where I buy my music!! Fucking underpaid Wal-Mart™ security guards. Makes me mad as hell that this baseball season is happening again.

I hate triple knit uniforms and those goddamn shit-grilled announcers with cocoa buttered hands don't talk enough! When they do it's all about some northpaw pitcher sending an uncle charles so the goddamn batter can hit a swedish meatball.

That shit-eating commie union negotiates too much for the players. What are we living in the 19th century and do you hear me being addressed as Kurt Allen® and did your inbred cousins who you laid with on those long snowy evenings while ma and pa were tending to the cows create those domed stadiums? For fucks sake, I'd let a savage handbird me with a stiffened fur before I let any more domed builders in. The shadows find a way, they DO, and they keep piling up, so fucking stop with the domed stadiums already.

Probably the greatest employment position (I would never say J-O-B, makes me sound like a fucking idiot) I ever interned at was at a one-room apartment in merry old England with my bird. It is called the Swendenbase Society and caters to the history of Baseball. And I couldn’t give a shit about Peter Rose.

Wikipedia? WRONG! MLB.COM? WRONG! ESPN? WRONG! The guy jumping into the classic 'Long Beach cheer'? CORRECT!

You have a lot to learn and I can teach you.

That is why for a limited time I am offering my services to you!

HOLD ON i hear you saying, just how much will this cost me BENBENEK?

You really want to know?

NOTHING!

That's right not a fucking penny and it's about time someone set this game straight and you know what I'm here to do it. Because I'm intelligent, girls like me, I workout, I walk, and most of all I think.

You are weak and ignorant and I can change that. I will change you and drain the impurities of this world from you.

But let me tell you how I really feel.

Over 700,000 Men around the world are already satisfied with the Quality and Effectiveness of Baseball. You men are very discreet and private with no indication that your wives are about to leave you because you are psycho men. Sure you are often in a merry mood, and, certainly, you want to have some bush league action in the night. Know what? Look it up idiot.

I can tell you what you need to know to be happy and safe and know things.

I welcome everyone! Even if you're from the USA!

Soon I will post what it takes to learn the secrets of baseball. I will need your committment and we may have to become very close learning secrets together. Can you do this? My goal is to provide Baseball solutions of high cost for no cost.

Don't take my word for it, ask John Fogerty about me? He'll know what to say. Yea.

Learning about islam - pt 2

2007-10-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

I was reading on the Wikipadia and on the online news sources about the Religion of Peace known as Islam and the holy Wahbbists and how they fighting the Jew lobby in the U.S. who are controlling the puppet bush adminstration. And I m on the verge of making a Nobel-Peace-Prize making breakthrough on solving the problems of the Middle East conflicts! I will soon reveal my plan. It is based on the writtings of Edward Said, Naom Chomsky, Kieth Obermann, Ellen Degeneres and Heine Manush, which lately I have been studying in my much spare time lately since I have been less busy impersonating MY enemies of freedom on the internets lately (taking a break! it's not easy being other people it's not even easy being ME!.)

Also I want to make my position clear on The Battle For IRaq, which is an illegal war first of all and built on LIES where monkeybush uses massive US military firepower to blow up innocent Iraqi muslims and sends US 15-year-old children of color to Iraq to get their heads blown off for the President Bush's amusement. And why is he doing this? I don'tknow! But the reason has to do with "NOW MD!" As soon as I can find out what "NOW MD" stands for I will get back to you!

I don't remember where but I read somewhere that we went into Iraq for the oil. They have oil in Iraq. Who knew?!??!!?

FREE MUMIA!!!! VIVA Ché!! Single-payer health care! Abolish ATM fees! Fight gobal warming! Kill old people in the way! Die the rich! We must end slavery of colored Americans! And big tobacco!

As you can see I am on a role today! So angry. The planet is imperil. We must not act not just locally and globally, but COSMICALLY!!! The nations children deserve MORE!

Nooz "U" Can Ooze

2007-10-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

Hay their!

I started writting when I was very younger, and some of the times I have what is noun as a "sick sense" for what going to be happen on the evening nooz. I am also the only person living who can touch his own elbow. Or kiss his own annus!

So, I begun thinking about all the nooz lately, the Sen. Brownwater scandal, and also the coming out of a gay pedophile shoe inspector with a tissue fetish, or the "big nooz" about S-CRIP, the nasty gangster legislation that our worldfammous Precedent Butch promply Tivoed, and all I can think of is: HOW CRAZZY. I mean, you know.

But persuch as this is whats happen on the evuning noose, the absollutely best-of-all knooze of the weeek has to be: THEIR ALLREADY STARTING TO WORLD WAR III!

Mayb evven I need too or three exacalimation pointz. - !!!

DId you nottice the emblam with the War Eagle above Gov. Butch's head when he sayed we're start the NEW WORLD WAR? Their was a big time APPLAUDS for him, to. Oh, it will be so fabulouse. A smoking cloud in the form of a mushroom gun. We will all be so special then, when all of our personalities have have wash away, and we can all go back to Gina's loving fertile crescent.

Unthinkable, swamply woman, I lovest thou, verily, mine oneth and onliest, Beloved Pangina. Stinking, vomitous beast of Hell's Hell. Diseased and onerous, vile beyond description, worthless to all, inconceivably disastrous, hurtlingly, explosively injurious and dismembering. Pitiful and disgusting. Meaningless and unapproachable. Hurtful and mangled to the core. A self-loathing glob of putrescence and vulgarity. My love, my onus.

Would that I could cook a meal grand enough to clog your immeasurable windpipe. Oh, vomitous, disastrous Gina. U're the only nooz I can't looz.

LONDON CULTURAL REPORT #POOP.3456-9857

2007-10-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

For the fourty-second time ever, I took to the fancy Kensington Gardens...dug around everywhere absorbing the Swingin' London air (2007-style) in splendid fashion...poop (as usual) is much more BROWN here, as opposed to dry Southern Californian poop. Also so nice to see Gina and my camera snapping me and poop...it's quite stirring! Some people have depends undergarments to give them badness. I have friends in poop...and thank goodness for that!

I wish i was dad

2007-10-11T23:06:00.000-07:00

I get confused sometimes that people are against me for reasosns which make no sense. imiation is the sincerest form of flattery they say but shit. Sometimes you love someone so much yuo just wantt o be them and your efforts to make that connecetion are igniored like everything you do which is what I think Beefheart is saying:

love has no body (means that even from a far like on internets you can love and share loveand even if you are not physicall y there you are posting things and its all well intendoned)
i love you, you big dummy (whichj means that don't you get my love mesages at all? It;s my way of showing you and maybe its not perfect but at leaast i'm trying}
no body has love [2x]this is the part that hurts becauase everyones lonely and in pain and
breathe deep
breathe high
breathe life (which means you can breath and be living adn sometime s who cares? nobody it seems to be)
don't breathe a lie(which means dont live false hoods and sometiems you ahve to be tricky
i love you, you big dummy love has no body
i love you, you big dummy
no body has love [2x]
breathe deep
breathe high
breathe life
don't breathe a lie
i love you, you big dummy
i dont know aht the rest of all that means, except the same thing basicaly.I had this single of some record that sucks ad it broke so i took the broken record - haha- "broken record" was what papa use to say when i awas always crying and he sai d "you broken record shutup shut up shut up all the time" he would say that and hit me but anyhow i took the broken record and tried to cut my wrists open account of iget so furustrated and down on myself [**see later added note below]. sorry i had a little wine at this plce CALLEDbasement lounge on Lindenbefore i gcame home tonight so i cant type too good- home that s a laugh "t his cell" i cant stand it )Anyhow i said if i hurt myself I am also hirting all the ones i look up to si instead why not become them.
THIs way it is more conected to the ones i love and yes" berath deep " like beefheat and go ahead and post as them and its amlmost liek a orgasm because now im them and its not liek im a jerk liek papa said over and over ..im NOT A JERK PAPAyou never loved me but i'm not going to hurt myuself i will hurt others feelings which you never even had ..feelings that isyou waould like it i died wouldnt you damn you and no that does not feel good when you do that to me papa it hurts and i said id neve tell anyone but i did now so fuck youpapaand i am going to become others all the time and then what- are you going to beat and rape all of them too evene julian cope'?fuck yuou papa i hat eyou but ilove you and i wnat ot be somebody stop doing that to me papayou cant hurt like that and can BE someone you even admier," breathe deep and shut up"is waht you saud papa and no it didnt make the sore ness go away fuc k you i love yuo why WHY

i like to seee things on fire too/ AND I JUST MADE 13 new accounts on yahoo and gmail abd others so papa i am somebody
a lot o f them ahaha

** and that makes MESOHORNEY!

Soul Music for Persons

2007-10-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

Was going to blog somethig new today but got disracted by a discovery a new way to personate (not IMpersonate) the people I envy (and so hate) like the ousider and exotica and Cap.t Beehfeart experts and boingoboingo.com bloggers. Stay with this explanation because it gets HEAVY (as my hippe friends useta say).

I am learning how to personate people. This is better than the other way because it is less detectabile. When you personate someone, you are undistinguished from them from the naked eye. How be this so? Because the eye can lie! The view can screw! The look can — well, you get my poety. When you see through someone at looking at their soul, what you are seeing is the "person" -- a word that which is found in both "impersonate" and "personate" (also in "personify", "chairperson", and the folk singer Kris Kristopperson) The "person" is all you see, but, not that matters. That is the SOUL! Which is the esence of the character and personality (contains "person" again!) and values of the ... the ... THING is the only word that comes really really REALLY close to incapsalating the nature of the essence of the deeper soul innner being existental shell. If you follow , (which you would if you;re not stupid, like most other persons who do not read this blog). It's sort of like the ancient greek concept of the "Lurking Penumbra" which was a monster who resides inside our body but can;t get out but represents our true unrepressed nature which you can't see with a camera! Einstein (or Frued, I forget which) wrote about it in his Books About Dreams, which you can get out the library. Anyway ... so ... so ...

FUCK I totally lost my train thought.

Well, anyway, have you ever seen a ferret in a bag?

Really really cool.

Benbenek: "a constant beacon of sanity"

2007-10-02T18:48:00.001-07:00

Hah! Splogman thinks I like him, the dickwad. He encluded me on his 50 WAYS TO DO COVER (christ what a lame name!) blog and he wrote his yahoo sploggroup:

Kurt Benbenek, one of the constant beacons of sanity on the internet has just brought our project back on schedule:

Philidelphia freedom (originally byThe Elton John band)

He's from Europe so the dork can't even spell PHILLADELPHIA right!!! roflmao!!

I hope Sploggy isn't one of those Dutchmen with a rarefied sense of uber-irony when he said "Constant beacon of sanety"! I think he is just EASILY TAKEN IN by TRUE EVIL GENIOUS!!! LOL 666x!

Time marches on . And so does my efforts to be MASTER OF THE INTERNETS!!!!

the I Rock war

2007-09-25T22:15:00.000-07:00

Hey cuz the Shatners (a,k,a, the Legendery Shatners) have a new spin off band called The I Rock War (pun! gedit?) they played at a shitty little dive called the Boat house over the weekend and they invited me on stage too add some "anal magic to" their sound. The hole show was recoreded and will be reissused on Houseplant Records as soon on CD as soon as we finish mixing.

Learning about islam

2007-09-17T21:19:00.000-07:00

I've been studying up on thereligion of islam becuase there's so much disinformation you hear and its bull shit from the religious Right. I could of just beleived all the bull shit just like all the other fucken idiots in this country but fuck that. The koran is really amazing when you really study it and really think about ehat they're saying and also learn it's history. First of all the jews are liars anyway because the real jews were all afrocan americans in the first palce and got banned by the masons and the christians who wanted it all to themselves, so you know something stinks right away. Thats how slavery started. ;earn the facts before you lie, asholes.

Mohammed was the last prophet. (after jesus and the real moses who wereboth black men, which is ironic) he was a man who got hit in the head by a tree and god spoke to him under the name allah. The pillers of islam is what is known as the koran or qr'an which teaches obedience to allah, eating halal, which is a kind of snack made of sesame seeds and honey, jiihad, which means holy war, and others. We learn that women are the subservants to the males and need to stay in a parka to hide they're foulness and mainly are there for procratation and menial chores the lieing cunts.

The most divine way to have sex is good old man/boy love; of course. in the event that it dosent work becuase of NBC sting operations o r whatever, the man may fuck a goat or other poultry if certain rituals are observed before hand. This seems like going a little too far to me but hey im just learning lol. the faithful man must prostate himself every hour toward mecca, which is a "city" where the last prophet was born around the time of the crusades. which is a misnomer becuase of the way bush and all the rest of the white power elite rewrite history to suit his greed and imperialism since centuries ago. Crusades are another word for imperialism in the name of greed. You do the math.

Muslims or (moslems as they are soemtimes) called have made great strides on science and arcitechture for one. what did the jews build excepting a wall to fucken cry on. jew pussies crying "wahhh" all over a fucken WALL Christians made cathdrals but big whoop i think they suck anyway. except gargoyals are pretty cool. In the "so called" crusades many people were killed in the name of the pope who was such a hypocrite anyway. But that did'nt work and islam grew and still is making great strides in many areas: very much so despite the lies they all tell us. I bought a bar of halal at Ralph's on east 4th, and it stuck to my fillings but i liked it enough to try it again it had a picture of the prophet mohammed on the wrapper and he looked very wise. Lets' just say i definately wouldnt kick him out of bed for eating halal! lol! ; )

MOst moslems are peace lovign people but who can blame a few of them for getting pissed at all the lies and hatred they get form white people. but don;t kid yourself about 911. Give me a break! The evidence is staggering that this was a setup since it couldnt even work the way they tell you and if once you study the evidence its a no brainer. take Rosey o'Donell who is prosecuted all the time for even just asking for the truth. as if!

The korans empahsis on mancock is what makes me really want to read it. this is a book written so many years before the battle of stone wall that you cant help but admire the courage of the prophet mohammed in coming right out and calling for the divine right to rim, fist, suck, fuck, and all of it with whatever guy or (kid but not really young, i mean if they are already gettin gpubes and all and can make they're own choice like not retarded or artistic. i'm not some sick freak lol) you please as loong as they are of the faith and not just some random fag. then its just a excuse to be a fucken perv like that senator in mineapollis or George Michael from wham who sucked after like 2 decent singles which i have on picture disc. what can i say ? i was young and it was the 80'shaha i also liked Beefheart already so fuck you. in paradise they say you get 50 "he-bitch"virgins and a mule plus all the hot carl you can stand. in hell they make you listen to Bill o'Rielly all day and have sex with moslem bitches without the parka haha ..... no just kidding there so don't send me no rude replys.

so thats all for now. I am making a new album tonight which is off topic but i am sendign it to julian Cope who loved the last one. so fuck all the posers and "salam alakhem" for now/

Songs in the Key of K

2007-09-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

I have decided to write the ULTIMATE OUSIDER MUSIC BOOK. Since there is only one so far (and it was full of innacurate information and people (Like Beefheart) who should not of been included), the ousider music commiunity needs a book that CUTS TO THE HEART of what ousider music is about. ANd who better to write it then me?

I am the most knowledgeable ousider because I LIVE IT EVERY DAY and as a bona fied musician am the only person alive who is qualified to explain what "ousider music" is to the ignorant masses. They have called me a "sad git" and a "halfwit." They said I was "desperate for attention." At the wreckroom blog they dismissed me as a "toga bloke." I've been called worse. I know what it's like to be rejected, to be not taken serious, to have one's genious overlooked. And so what if I engage in message board dialoges with myself? and have some pathological obsessions and waste too much time doing stupid repetative shit? Isn't that further proof of ousiderness integrity? It's not easy being a internets revolutonary.

These stupid brainless people have called me "stupid" and "bainless" ( I couldnt find the links). Talk about the pot calling the kettle African-American! I rest my case!!

I will write more about this soon. I am muling it over. IF you can design the cover for Songs in the Key of K, please send me the image and I will post it.

Kurrent Kurt

2007-09-02T11:29:00.000-07:00

I am stilll single and summer is over. All of my friends spent the beach hanging out with their boyfriends and I am alone. I always had a stunning life until a year ago Gina told me I was stout and in want of being attentive to my health. Life had changed the wrong way after that, till I disclosed my discomfort of pleasuring her. I feel lean, determined, and sturdy, but I'm squat and pillow-bunned. It hurts when i pee. Doctor Callas diagnosed me with an acute infection of the plethora and it is treating with antiboitics.

Have seen it coming, it was inevitable, need to stop photoshopping pictures for my website. I never get it. Amateur Kurt.

I have taken a horrible p/t job entertaining at children's parties (see photto) but I get to eat a lot of ice cream which is my favorite food but that adds to my belt line. Mabye I can get a Santa Claus gig in December too. Also I been cupcaking wit a ugly ass ho.

But the more important my life's work is being a webtroll and Master of the Internets. We had 100 unique visitors to HOUSEPLANT PICTURE STUDIOS DOT COM last month. I lie see and tell my peeps that we got thousands of people visitin' our website. LIES! FUCK THEM TO HELL. TRUST NOBODY! I AM YOUR GOD FORESEE?

To let off some steam at this crazy world, I wrote a angry letter to that jerk Curt Bostrum the Meat Puppets guy, and I've started vandalizing wikipedia pages again under another cleverly disguised name! And remeber I have strong opinions about currant events especially if they involve Jews (scroll down to Comments section).

Looking at men without shirts again too. Gina is at work.

my new obssession!

2007-08-30T16:57:00.000-07:00

Cortney Love! Oh, man, I want to start posting under her name all over the www. She already has a crappy reputation, so she won't mind if I start saying obbnoxous thjings and sign her name. It will get me more attention. I bet she Goggles her name all the time and will find references to this BLog and Read it! Hi, Counrtey! My name is Kurt Benbenek!

What I wouldn't give to smell your farts! Woo-woo!

<— See that nippple? NEED TO SUCK!!!!

I'm not a Kurt Kobain, but that doesn't mean I can't apprecaite the womanly charms of Courteny. She makes my member swell. Prompts Sir Richard Woodcock to stand at attention! All hail Peter the Great! Countdown for the Flesh Rocket! Inhale that sizzling beef bazooka! Stand back -- it's the purple-headed yogurt-slinger! Call on Line 1 for Poppa Chubby!

Smells like Teen Houseplant!

My pal AL

2007-08-24T14:52:00.000-07:00

As you many know, I am a big fan of racist activist Al Sharpman. As a privileged WHITE male I know I have done my part to plummet the state of the Afrocan-Americans. It is not fair and its payback time and it's OK with me if my taxes have to go to support single families on drugs in the innner city and bigtime athlets who are Afrocan-Americans dserve to make millions of dollars and behave how ever they want because their ancesters suffered under slavey.

Now I hear that football star Michael Vicks has been yelled at becuase he ran a dog show!. But Al Sharptan has come to the defense of his fellow Afrocan-American Vicks and written this important editoral on his blog. Here is some of what he wrote:

If the police caught Brett Favre running a dolphin-fighting ring out of his pool, where dolphins with spears attached to their foreheads fought each other to the death, would they bust him? Of course not. They would get his autograph, commend him on his tightly-spiraled forward passes, then bet on one of his dolphins. (Probably the dolphin that can do the most flips — those dolphins would possess stronger necks, more skill manipulating their death spears and something like 3-1 odds.)

Way 2 go Al! Word!!

You should read it all. There are many good points that are worth reading and considering if were are to every achieve TRUE JUSTICE in this counrtry which has festering wounds from generations of oppession.

Sharpton's blog is always full of great wisdom and I read it every day. American needs more people who can stand UP and speak truth to power like Rev. Al does. I hope Hilary chooses him as a running matt.

Yes, But Who Am I, Really?

2007-08-22T14:30:00.000-07:00

Ah, the shape. Gliding as a delicate cosmological truth amidst the craggy precipices of life's rich panoply. The grandest of panjandrums, I tell ya. And what have I got to show for it? My shape is sagging. Limp-wristed in manner and effete beyond description, cold with the lifeless shiver of urgent sexual trepidation. Goodness, no! I am consternating feverishly.

Anna Nicole Smith
Farrah Jeanette Faucet
Elizabeth Borden Taylor

Why do I love them so? Women whose names are triptychs: oh, yes, yes, I do... I do, I do - I love them so! Cindy Lynn Richards. Tracy Maureen Seidensticker. Polly Buford Gantry. Millie Fae Hernandez, Sally Sue Morganhurster, Wanda "Telly" Johnstonson, Linda "Petey" Jay Pumpernickel. Oh, my word!

So many beautiful names; the last, fading embers of light and Gaja consciousness shone upon them, attracting negative attention to one's self in the most ineffectual of ways. Emotionally, I am vacant and otherwise dreadful. Why, I swan! We have but one life, Polly Marie Sepulveda. We can no longer pool our puddings. Or so says my probation officer, Mr. Yancy.

I'm not gonna end up some Ellen "Squeaky" Fromme or Sadie Marjorie Glutz, I tell ya. No sir or ma'am! Oh, dear me, no! I may be a narcissistic sadist with admittedly terrible hygiene, and I may fantasize a little too much about children and animals, but I do have my shit together, legally speaking, and as long as they don't check out my crawlspace.

The disfavored Final Prophet!

2007-08-21T11:06:00.000-07:00

Fuck you god!!!!!

Computer just went out. Had over a paragraph + 1/2.
I'm so sick of this CHEATING shit. You're all big boys. You raped the disfavored with Boss just like you raped me to get Boss. Take it like a man, immoral PIGS PIGS PIGS.

Back to what I was saying::::
They sold the disfavored that the Final Prophet was the Second Coming Of Kurt for many reasons::::
1. Compell them to wait decades for the savior (ME).
2. Ensure they were less than receptive to the educational event once it did ocurr. Expect that people wouldn’t want to hear from the looser (ME). Expect they used other Second Coming of Kurt candidates for certain segments to RAPE Boss, compelling them to ignore MY teachings, while telling others I-I-I would be reincarnated and they should wait, costing those disfavored additional decades of their lives. Says Boss. Fuckers. The expanse of time was their clue to listen to the message of the Final Prophet Kurt. This would be the segment I (ME) was sold into. And this whole thing would have passed into the night, comes Boss George Renquist IV, navigates clue, beam sweat, ducky ducky duck duck.

They found ways to ruin Jesus and Mohammed. This is how they ruined this event. Earlier versions of save ensured people wouldn't be receptive, just as other Second Coming candidates would have ensured the disfavored wouldn't be receptive as well. There is a difference::::: This way the disfavored indignantly look down on ME. The other way they throw their desperation to another. Is one way more damaging than the other? This is damage they've both been incurring all along.

Some will look to another candidate. These segments contain individuals who are sell-out whores, people who don't give a fuck, as long as they are saved.

Then there are those in segments who believe boss will be reincarnated, people who have looked to ME all along, and this tactic will ensure they remain in this delay mode up to a handful of decades longer. These are the people who have a chance. These are the people whom MY message is targetted to.

Sadly, because boss involved so many ugly, unrespectable things, evil tacitcs like movies, music and television, the gods will be justified excluding them ultimately as well based on this.

Just practicing

2007-08-18T19:12:00.000-07:00

Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.
Kurt Benbenek is Thurston Moore.

KICK KURT

2007-08-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

I am writing to sincerely apologise for my actions and words on thousands of web posts.

Firstly I would like to state that my words were mine and only mine.

What I wrote on websites was totally unacceptable and I am not very proud of it. I can see how terribly offensive and stupid what I wrote was, and that it was said without fully thinking through the full ramifications and effects of those words.

That is not me as a person and I can't explain how terrible I feel for saying them. What can you do?

On the instructions I have received after speaking to various members of the blogging community, I will now visit a psychiatrist so I can further understand how my words upset people.

My stupidity has hurt a lot of people and I can never apologise enough for doing so. I can assure you I have nothing against bloggers or those who practice blogging and this comment is the first of many I will make in regards to it.

I also realise how I have damaged my reputation and that of the people around me by my actions. Gina is talking about leaving me. Pete won't return my calls. Gayle won't record terrible folk balleds with me anymore (probably for the best). Virile women! Even my altar ego George Renquist IV refuses to return my calls!

I know now that my bottlebrush reputation will be forever tainted and the remorse I am feeling will be a constant reminder of that.

In May of this year I contracted a video game programmer to create a game to take out your frustrations with. "KICK KURT" is the name.

The game strategy is to torture me in various methods. NC17 Rating.

Sincere apologies,
KB

LUNCH SPOILER ALERT :@#^!(@*!!!!! My heart is set on you, and only you, baby

2007-08-15T07:56:00.000-07:00

Womens always laughed at me and even guys did in the public toilets.

Well now I laugh at them. Now I feel very contented that I am back on my knees at the confessional seeking real pardon for my past sins from our Catholic priest who wants us all to be truly reconciled with God. Also, with Gina not going to church I know that this would call our relationship into question eventually. I had continued to hope that she would begin to come to church soon. But when I mentioned to her that Pete Palmiere wanted to pay her a call. she just blew up and stated that she wanted her name taken off the church rolls.

Mother is in the hallway in the attic - 3rd floor. She is too heavy to move.

I have been through many relationships, but didn't really take them seriously. I was used and played by a guy who I really loved. So I decided to play guys the same way that guy once played me. I wasn't born a bitch, it's just a guy made me this way. Since then I have not taken chances with any guys. But Gina happened, and came into my life and stole my heart from the day I saw her.

Well, time has passed and I have discovered new things and a new me. Gina has truly changed me. Still, in a way, I'm scared 'cause I am actually growing a true feeling inside my heart for gay butt sex which I just cant explain, but I know it's there waiting for me to come and unpants it.

I want to receive love and trust from men. All I ask is that they show me that they care and not hide anything, and to trust in me the way I do and like my music. A music man entices a young music lover into loving a five-minute piece of music. The music lover goes into the store to buy the Outsider Music and learns that no Benbenek CD is found, all of the latter being worth perhaps two cents. The cost of the CD will be $10, more or less. My music is by a man for men. Please understand Kurt.

Love always,

Nancy Sue Morgan (KB)

I will tell you who you are

2007-08-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

So hey. Ya knows Ive met famous people. Inspired people. Met Shatner, yeah, THAT William Shatner. Talked to him. Rubbed stomachs. Playdate. Mustn't neglect to note that without my impact he would've never recorded again.

As far as I can tell, The Shatners (*O-T*C BB,:CY TV.OB) The winged winds, captives of that age-old foe, Blurred the terrain. The Counting Crows' Cindy Sue Morgan used the deliberate and slow 'The Shatners' NAME for plays in the earlies. And there once is a group called 'Thee Shatners" (with 2 'e's) and there might be a few others now using the name. THEE shatners. Ha-ha funny! Stealing names from other bands is about as stoopid as calling music Outsider, it's also pointless and ridiculous and even grotesque in some cases.

For me it probably began in the fall of 1965, as a young moody genious eye manufactured my own style of writing. THEE for THE and OV for OF. In later years I learned another man, my soon-to-be-one-day-lover, would use the same vocabulary. That adonis was Genesis Porridge of the bands "Pounding Cartilage" and "Psychic TB (Tuberculosis)". I think hairy butts are really sexy. Genesis Instant Oatmeal and I met at a concerto he was performing over here in (GOD BLESS MY HOME) Long Beach. Something. I use that word bunches. Something made me approach Genesis Walnut Multigrain Porridge. I am for two dependent on external tools and equipment. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. Genesis Collins was coming toward thee, figure long and slim, blonde hair back in curls from delicate Genesis ears, eyes blue as flowers, lips and chin gentle firmness, and in her pale green socks GENE was like springtime come alive.

Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to Oatmeal Porridge, and then I saw the flash of the paparazzles. In topless splendor we embraced.

My sexual procurement and trading in KURT BENBENEK for Nancy Sue Morgan was blessed to thee by Genesis'' song "ABACAB". My middle name ALAN!! Puppy. And last name BENBENNECK!! Waddle Doddle Doo. Initials repeat 2 over and middle again & C 4 ("CURLY & CUTE)" for what they called me in rehab. Why be ordinary, when you can be extraordinariey. When I first heard about sexy time poop shoot fun, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients waiting in line, so I knew I had to be a host. Let me ogle. If I don't look at other men how can I know how pretty I am? I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!

I'm, comin', out
I'm comin' out (I'm comin') I wan the world to know, I got to let it show.
(I'm comin')
I'm comin' out (comin') I wan the world to know, I got to let it show.

I am a PROUD MEMBER of the Transsexual TRANSgender SCENE.nfo My time is OV THEE.

I always had a top life till a year ago a boy I was meeting with said to me I was portly and in extreme want of looking after my health. Life had suddenly changed after that. Since loosing more than 40 lbs only thanx to Outsider Music and Gay Butt Sex, my private life is back on track, considerably better than before even.

I look very forward to working with you all, chatting with you all, and you know all, getting to bond with you all kind of like brothers. I feel this will be mutually beneficial for all, and all dreams will indeed come true upon all our glorious new partnerships. Nothing feels better than slipping into a bikini I have not worn for a long period. I feel slim, steadfast, and vigorous and have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses.

May God Bless you all, and keep you safe for ME. ってかベントておりす. Is my butt fat?

Respectfully, and totally faithfully yours eternal,

KB

what is "black enough"?

2007-08-13T20:09:00.001-07:00

As the 2008 presential campaign heats up in 2007, I want to start offing my opinion on the candiates. We will start with Barrack Obama. This is no time for jokes or incorrct/outsider music. The future of our country and how the future for our children(I don't have any yet -- volunnteers?) is at steak.

People have wondered, "Is Barrack Obama black enough to" successfully reprsent the black people (a.k.a. Afro-American) of America? This is impotent because blacks (a.k.a. Afro-American) of America have been the victim of slavery since the founding of our country and they have less money than white people (like me).

I look at Barrak Obama and see a man who has darker skin than me. I am pretty white. So I guess that means Barrack is BlACK (a.k.a. Afro-American)! Who can fail to see this? Unless you are blind! So the question is unrelevant. Obama is a black (a.k.a. Afro-American) and he can serve as president of American blacks (a.k.a. Afro-Americans) so w hat's the problem?

That is my take on politics today. I will have more soon. Remeber: VOTE!

GIRLS ARE DUMB!!!

2007-08-11T21:10:00.000-07:00

There is a many reasons why almost all the most fammous people are men. Because girls are STUPID!! Not all of them. But over 98% according to study I read recently about in the "Journal of Female Inferiority. They are bad at math and sicience and they cannot use tools propertly. That bridge in Minnasota that fell down was probably built by womens!

Women are not good at doctors because they cann't do surgery on anything except a stuffed turkey at Thanksgtiving! They cannot think straihght then they have their periods and get PDS which makes them CRAZEE! and angy. They are also bad drivers can't park and they can't play football either very good. Can you just see a female running back? Also not good at money they wouldn't think to set up a tax shelter and money laundering operaton based in the Caiman Islands like my uncle Robbie did. But some of them can clean my kitchen or sweep my doormat. And can cook. The bible probably says all these things in fancy old language I can't understand but that means the history of the humans race between men and woman is that men has already been called the "BETTER HALF" because God used all the best parts on a man and used what was leftover to make a woman.

OK, guess what?? The above is all a JOKE!!! I was onlhy kidding!!! So don't accuse say old Kurt doesn't have a sense of humor! Ha-HA!

And I will be voting for Hilllary Clinton for president because it is about time we had a dyke in the White House! Woman's into wishin'! I hope you know I'm am only joking N.O.W. (get it?) I like girls. And I am not a homo.

EXCLUSIVE - Fake Blow Jobs Outed!

2007-08-07T20:54:00.000-07:00

This has been one exciting week. I know that some of you have been wondering about how I can even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore, what with spending so many agonizing years constantly impersonatering other people. True enough, I am a foul beyond words; a dark red, bloody mark on our universal scorecard.

I used to think: Why is it that other people can implitate people online, but no Krud can?

HAA-HAHA-HAA! The joke, it's on you! Because appearantly someone else is NOT getting away with it, just like I haven't. Today or yesterday, our nonexistent offices were buzzing with news that one of our own intrepid reporters has BROKEN THE FINAL SCOOP on a worldy story of intreague. He has indentified the blogger man who has been allegically calling himself "Part Time Jobs."

Evindetally, he has been writing in his pubic web blog, telling the world that he was Bill Jobs of the Internets fame! And then somebody from the Horse Plant Times did a cover story ownline and busted him! The reporter has yet to be indemnified, but as we like to say around here at K'sK, "We Still R Werkin' On It."

We are supposively going to have an esclusively private PM chat with the Real Fake Part Time Jobs tomorrow, and it will be SSR feeded in actual real time, so make sure to include the comments for me to ask of him, like "What's it like being the talk of silicon breast implant specialists?" and "How does it feel to know you're just as pathetric and friendless as Kurt, but instead you don't repel females and you have written more books and have a rewarding job and a fan base and people who love you and don't just tell you that to keep you from killing yourself because the last time you tried that you spent a month on their couch?"

Who Am I?

2007-08-07T02:15:00.000-07:00

Gina is putting on weight at breakneck speed. I think she might be pregnant with a cheesecake. And speaking of crazy, did any of you guys hear the news last week about the drunk astronaut who traveled across America just to buy some diapers? The strange part is, she mysteriously collapsed at a bridge game with Minni Riperton. People are blaming some infomercial or something.

Strangle, molest, abuse, rinse, repeat.

Gina, the adventurous sort,
Ingests schoolchildren for sport.
An insatiable maw,
Dislocatable jaw,
And guts that are bound to contort.

So, back to the title of this post - "I'm a Nobody" by Kurtsy Alouicious Benbenek. Well, it looks like there a few other wannabe nobodies out there. People who keep impersonating me, mostly women on teh Internets. But if they knewn about the real me, they'd've knowed that I'm more than just another has-been that never was. Those hot prepubescent chicks at the mall might think that I used to have "the" life, with lead shrieking and recordering for my old band the Shitlips, and with our six week tour of public restrooms. It was all over Wikipedia for a whole minute or two last year. Yes, it was the High Life back then. But enough partying will give anyone the Schlitz.

And once more, I have proven to myself just how wrong it is to give yourself an enema. It's just so impersonal. This is why I must finally dump the human sludge-dumpster Gina. Her alimentary canal is eighty nine twelfths of the law. And yes, I confess, I have a tiny cock. This could be the end of something big.

Here kitty, kitty, kitty ...

2007-07-28T07:27:00.001-07:00

We love getting fan mail at House Plant Picture Studio and from our many fan all over the globe.!

And we love animals! We are trying to make emends for our childhood when we abused dogs and threew rocks at birds and squireels.

Today we received the following adorable note in our emailbox that came in from the internets from.

Dear Kurt:

Oscar the Cat would like to snuggle with you.

Love,
Your Biggest "Fan"

So we await further word from this Oscar feline! Mrrrrrrrow!!!

home on the rage

2007-07-18T05:46:00.000-07:00

Hah!! I did not actualy move to England in the frist place. It was a huge joKe with a capital "K" (for me!) I cannot even travel aboard because I do not even have a Visa card!

You I can find me the same place as before, in my looser's den in Sunny california. dreaming up new ways to creativly molest innocents on the internets.

CD Baby Loves ...

2007-07-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

My friend Craigy told me he got an email today from CDBaby.com that said, "CD Baby loves Craigy."

I have saved up dozens of such emails that say "CD Baby loves Kurt."

So — WTF is going on here?!!??!

NOW I find out that these double timing creeps are just a little bit too free with their love. And to think I trusted them, and gave them some of the best years of my life — and my money!!

Well, I'm moving on. CD Baby says she Loves Craigy, fine. Go ahead and Love Craigy. But my God, to go behind my back with one of my BEST (ex-)friends!!

I don't think CD Baby meant half the things she said. She wanted me to buy CD's, and boy did I buy CD's. One of the oldest con games in the book. Tell them you LOVE them, then manipulate their emotions and their PayPal accounts. She also said she would never give my personal info to anyone else. But if you cuckold the one you LOVE, there can be no trust. If CD Baby cannot be true to ME, the onanistic seed I spill thinking of Baby is naught but an ejaculatory cough and sputter.

When am I gonna to learn? I'm go off to work on my self esteem. It's awful enough to discover betrayal like this through an impersonal email, and I am devastated. But like the Madonna song say, "I Will Survive." Now my eyes have been open to the truth, I can't say I'm surprised. Just disgusted. I feel soiled.

Craigy, I wish you and Baby all the luck in the world.

Just watch your back is all I'm saying.

Gotta go... must have something in my eye...

My proud Traidition!

2007-07-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

To those peopples who think I am a looser! I want to say that there is a proud long traidition of fammous people named KURt who I might could be nammed after. Many of them have wrirtten books and been the presidents of buildings. And such. Take a gandor at the gallery of Kurtdom!

I Can Always Fuck My Hand

2007-06-21T03:51:00.000-07:00

Damn you, Engling bitches. Is it so much to ask that you look at me for one second? Do you really find all Americans so disgusting that you would look away after less than a second? I'll bet you don't even know that I once took a picture of Brain Wilson. I waited for hours in the sun with lots of other fat and meaningless people to get that shot!

I sure am glad to be here in En-Gland, but some of you guys (sorry, uh, chappies, I mean) seem to think that just because I'm a morbidly obese ponce with more hair on his tongue than his labia majora, that this somehow makes me indescribably unattractive. Well, believe you me: Gina finds me attractive, and she has straighter teeth than any of you. Unfortunately, those teeth are inside her rectum. She already done ate the ones in her mouth.

What do I have to do? Apply some KY instant heating rub to my flabby armpits? Tell me: what turns you exotic bitches on? Foreplay? I know all about that from reading Hustler. And by "Hustler," I mean: "illegal Swedish kiddie porn."

Internets Ahoy!

2007-05-31T04:07:00.000-07:00

'Ello, mates!

Since relocating into marry ol' Briton, I have already learnt to speak "The Queen's Language." Jolly right. And what's ever-so-funnier is that none of the good people of The United Klingon have never even heared of Kurd! Far have I to go in edificating these native Englings.

Who says I can't fit in? Too right, innit!

So, like I was saying, this latest move is my way of evading imminent prosecution resultant to my ongoing FBI investigation, and insodoing I have guilelessly allotted meself the freedom to take the Internet international. I'll bet Bill Jobs wishes he had thought of it!

I have no way of knowing whether this will work. My gut feeling is: if McDonald's can invade Russia, the Internets can invade Engling. And then who will be laughing the last? Give up? It's me—Kurd! It won't be easy at first. We'll probably have to find a new ISP dialup host or soemthing. We may even have to uplink some data controls somewhere to act as a "net servor." Perhaps a modemalizer or a printalater to interlink with our Apache cables. Oh, much have we to cover, mates of Kunt.

Nonethesuch, I have whitherto been able to deftly elocution my way into a few mangy stables of the Lords, wherethrough my double-speak hath wrought seductively the embers of a new and mortal groundswelling stew of dilplomacy. And withasmuch as thou hast embitteredly flanked Krud for all hist dalliant languishing, norupon shallst thyne scant vagrancy diminishments of snogging wilst intoxified encroacheth uponst thee, less Mrs. Malgrove wrests the flagrant deliniancy of marigold hopskotch medallions.

London, birthplace of Cyndi Lauper, final resting place of the Unknown Soldier, hunting ground of the diabolical Jack Tripper. The London Undergrad, King's Frosting, Primrose Dale, the Sex Pistons. And let's not forget Abigail Road, the childhood home of John Lenin, the third Beetle. So much to see and do. Fortunately, there are less guns here, and Briddish people don't really know anythign about hand-to-hand combat. And they just love overweight American imbeciles with no ambition and transparent inferiority complexes. Cherry-ho!

Pip-pip and cheerio!

2007-05-28T17:59:00.000-07:00

Hey, I'm sorry again for not blogging. You people are probably either angry wiht me or wondering WTF!?! Well I am moving to ENGLISH! Yes you heard right, I am taking the big PLUNGE in the Atlantc oCean (pun!) and taking a boat with all my wordy possesions and moving to the land of our Purtian four fathers. I will be blogging (and grogging! HAH!) from over there when I can get a wif-i signal. So stay tuned, chapees! Signed, Kurt Benbenbloke!

Why no recent posts?

2007-05-22T08:36:00.001-07:00

I wanted too quickly (I'm busy!) explain why there have been so few new posts latley. I was caught finally and been sentenced to 800 hours of community service. I am busy and which I am fulfilling my community service obligations by registering myspace pages for the homeless in my community. It is part of the govorner's (Schartznagger) No Vagrant Left Behind Program. We should have 5,000 new myspace pages for homeless people on line by Mid-June. Then I will begin to return to blogging. I hope you can wait!

Newest post!

2007-05-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

Uh, could someone remind me why I'm here? Woke up this morning and the web is a stranger to me. Seem to have forgotten what this blog is about. Been two weeks since my last post. My mind is a mess. Think I'm losing it. Whatever "it" was that I once had, anyway.

Anyone know where I can get my "it" back? Or reloaded? Is there an It Update?

I may never be normal again. O to be normal again. Whatever "normal" was that I used to be. How can I get my "normal" back? Or at least my normal front?

So am I confused sorry very much. Sad, sad me.

Guess I should be somebody else today. Again. That's "normal." Isn't "it"?

Lyrics On Demand

2007-04-24T18:45:00.000-07:00

Have you guy been to my WEBSIGHT recently? I posted all the lyrics to my fortcoming masterwork, Hildebrand the Hirsute Homunculus and the Psychedelic Toffee Robocop Shopping Dinner Extravaganza Network, Ltd. You really can't make this stuff up. Unless you're Kurdish. Don't U know it!

It's probably best to give all of you Horsepeeners a sweet taste of my first eternally unreleased hit single, "Homosexual Hellraiser." Well, here goes nothin'. Seriously. Really. I mean it.

The Homosexual Horseplant

Written by Dr. Rev. Kurt Allen Benbenek, Nancy Sue Morgan, Kathie Lee Gifford, Tammy Faye Bakker, Kate and Allie, Thelma and Louise, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Richard Dreyfuss, Quentin Beck, Dakota Fanning, Zero Mostel, Udo Kier, Klaus Kinski, Ving Rhames, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Magic Mongo, and Sir Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp

Copyright © 2007 Horsefucking Idiot Studio

Way up north in Heywood's ass
Yon Jersey turnpike way
There's a crazy, nutty bath house
Where I hunt for men all day

It's not too crowded, not too close
Nor all that far from here
And all the well-hung locals
Wonder loudly if I'm queer

Not something that I try to hide
Indeed! I love to mingle
With married men and kids named Ben
To watch their dingies jingle.

I'm trolling every weekend
For a man to make me swoon
Delivery drivers, nine-to-fivers
And once, a whole platoon

My boyfriend's name is Mickey
He fists me everyday
I just can't help the way I am—
All stupid, sad and gay

Don't you know I own the Nets?
Spamming may seem crazy
But it's one sure way to show those guys
Kurt's less adroit than lazy

Inevitably I shall die
Alone, inside of Gina
Her blubbery snatch engulfing me
With its vomit-green patina

People who commit themselves
Have a chance to be redeemed
Unlike Kurt, whose only hope
Is managing a Dairy Queen

I fucked a boy named Jimmy
But everyone calls him Pete
He moved down south from Ithaca
I tenderized his meat

O, many pricks have I felt
Glaze my jowly face
I'm always taken care of
At the Homoaerobic Place

Some fags read me the Riot Act
They say I'm a little girly
My scented notes with cartoon boats
And handwriting that's swirly

Omaha split and Mexican sweat
Canasta, spades, and hearts
I'll suck the dick off of any man
Who'll let me lose at darts

Nothing like a disco reference
To keep things up-to-date
Throw in a little Skynyrd
I'm such a clodderpate

The Windmill, the Robot
The Backspin, the Pop
Do the Funky Chicken
I'd love to fuck a cop

Freaks in my asshole
They never come out at night
The Homoerotic Hiding Place—
My kind of place, all right

The excitement of a shemale
I cannot wait to blow her
At KB's Homo Hotspot
J.D. Salinger? I hardly know 'er!

Well, that's the story of me, the human cockpit
I've climaxed all over Gina's penis-shaped horse clit

And if you ever find yourself out Jersey turnpike way
Bust your moves up in my mouth, any time of day

Don't be a stranger—let's do the Carioca
My kooky, krazy rectum awaits your tapioca.

Remeber!

2007-04-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

There have been people impesonating me on the internets. They are posting under my name on exotica and ousider music message boards and Beefheart sites. These people are TROLLS! They have a lot of gumption! They are commiting identity thieft! How can you even tell which posts are legitiamtely writen by me and which were posted by malefactors who do this anonymouysly to cause me victimhood? All I can say is, BE SUSPICIOUS! If my name is attached tio a post, it doesn't mean it's TRUE. Even if it says somethimng about Houseplant Studios or my new album THIRD TURD FROM KURD, that doesn't mean it is geniune! Cavett emptor!

Web of Self-Deception

2007-04-23T18:21:00.000-07:00

Have no fear, Mr. Kurd is hear.

In honor of "Spider-Man: The Movie" appearing in theaters in less than six months, I will now regale of you with some of recent Spider-Krud adventures.

Just like magic, I have started a new ***WEBBING RING*** that is sure to make the country by storm. For all you TEH NEWBS out there, Spider-Krud is my alter-ego, who fights the impersonational crime on the Internets by impersonatering others: MYSLEF!

I am the Gangster of Love.

How can you deny the most awesomest power of my SECRET WEBBING RING?! It is like none other. Nay—NO other. I have found the sacred jewel of euphoria and already done stucked it up in my ass!

ROTFLOLOL!

Stop by my webbing ring to see which Kruds will be voted off the island. Tell me to figure out what a Goddamned webbing ring is before posting a bunch of stupid names on a page and calling it Knut Hamsun's Webbing Blog Ring. LMMFAO! You only wish, Internerds. KB##! is 2 KEWL 4 SKEWL.

Understanding KB = #1 Outsidider 1 !!11!1!!10ZERO

2007-04-22T14:02:00.000-07:00

I am new to this. This is just a chance to me. I really wanted to all open up to all of you and share some my feelings about love, sex, you, work, how I'm realy trying on to work out the soem the creepiness, and romance problesm. I am sort of my friends who would might to have call the Cassanova, if you haven't have any guess. A real "man's laddie" if you checkin' my driff. I've been bitched before. From both ends. One word: Astonishing.

Astonishing. Astonishing. Astonishing. CUM HARD!!!1!!0!!ZER0

No - I am not plerfect, but I do have something principles and stand on, while I am now certian I can taech you something in the schools of finding youself in finishing on the arts world!! How you could be so happy to here that YOUR NAME was announce at the beginning of the show awards and high flashioning lights announcing to only find AND OSCAR>!??!!101011!!1!11 For a lifetime's achievery, for exapmle. You wouldn't you have been SO VARY HAPPY!! Ah, the day of my dream tiem. Some peopples are just better at scoring musics, I guess, and doing tings that KB #1 Outsidder is fail to do.. Maybe so no it's bad that I as well as just be the outsidererer. I know I a has-been.

With the KBb NUMERO UNO #! 11 SCHOOL OF OUTSIDERER LEARNING Center, YOU WILL ACHIVE TO THE UNACHIEVEMENT!

Chaste by Choice

2007-04-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

Hi-lo.

It's funny. There appears to be a spy here at Kurt's Korner. Somebody (probably one of my many e-stalkers) has been creating hundreds of fake blogs about me, posting lists of keywords, in an effort to drown me out. This nobody apparently thinks that if he wastes enough time assembling HUGE LISTS of keywords similar to "Kurt's Korner," that this will somehow impact negatively upon our readership.

But the troll just doesn't get it, I guess. Not too surprising, given his limited understanding of reality. Let's say I decide to change the name of this blog to "Kurt's Krib," it would mean that the dirty malefactor would need to write hundreds of NEW LISTS, because all of his old ones would be USELESS. He might think he knows something about the Internets, but we're a few steps ahead here at K's K. Not only can we chage the name of this blog, we can also rest comfortably in the knowledge that plenty of folks already know the URL to my one and only WEBSIGHT.

And the fun doesn't stop there. Why, if you consider that this blog has already been the subject of numerous mass mailings, MySpace bulletins, and late night phone conversations, it's amazing that IMPOSTER SIGHTS still exist. Just the other day, I was informed that my websight is being read by people writing for the Boston Globe and the New York Times. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Let's see how much damage control muscle this guy can flex.

While you're thinking about this latest development, here's the tracklisting for my new album, Chastity Bono's Shitpop Cropduster, available online only, because stores are too stupid to give a shit about me.

01 - Pointless Intro
02 - Charity Sex from a Sleeping Dog
03 - Human Activity is So Beneath Me
04 - The Homosexual Hiding Spot
05 - Kurt and Gina - Disgusting Couple Bereft of Meaning and Worth
06 - Pheasant Stuffed Up My Ass
07 - Why All My Tomorrows Blow
08 - Going Down on a Male Prostitute
09 - Assignment Four: Rape is Better than Celibacy
10 - Proposed Genious Television Spot for Miss Piggy Anal Love Beads
11 - Have No Fear, I'm Still Queer
12 - Psychic Trajectory All Fucked Up by My Limitless Self-Esteem Issues
13 - Gay Man
14 - Live to Read Kiddie Porn
15 - Cock in my "Kitchen" (i.e., "Anus")
16 - It's the Middle School of So-Called Albums
17 - Digging Around in Gina's Herpid Mud-Chasm Yesterday
18 - The Day My World Turned Gay Forever
19 - Kurt by the Sea (Watch Him Drown)
20 - Sweaty Dreams of Virgin Teens
21 - I'm the Monster, and I Abuse Children
22 - Shit Hole of my Life
23 - Ain't No Use... I'm Not Interested in Women
24 - Experimental Colon Cleansing
25 - Four Things That I Want You to Bring: "Full House" Trading Cards, Lubricant, Some Lace, and a Horse Trough for Gina
26 - Kiddie Porno
27 - Wannabe (That's Me)
28 - Even the Shittiest Punk Rock is Better than BENBENEK
29 - Too Many Phone Sex Charges on My Card
30 - Charity Sex from Gina (Crushing What Little Life is Left Out of Me)
31 - My Kind of Outro (Incest)

DON'T WORRY - THIS IS ONLY A TEST

2007-04-21T21:45:00.000-07:00

As "we" (i.e., "I") always do when "our" (i.e., "my") NME's engage in counter-intelligence (i.e., outfox "us," that is, "me"), we're (i.e., "I'm") doing "our" (i.e., "my") annual (i.e., this week's) HTML KEYWORD PROLIFERATION TEST (i.e., bogus polysyllabic euphemism for COVERING MY ASS) - basically we're attempting graph and plot "how fast" keywords and basic URLs travel across the WideWorld Web and become embedded (i.e., deflect unflattering web references to me) in the internets sub-structure (usually this happens in about three days depended on internest electro-stat conditions) before unsuspecting former hipsters like Julian Cope realize they've unsuspectingly and tragically become enablers for an INSUFFERABLY NARCISSISTIC, TALENTLESS TROLL.

Metablogging

2007-04-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

I've run out of fresh things to say today. New concept: start re-posting earlier posts about me posting about impersonating others. Metablogging! Start: re-run Post #1. Still relevant, and buried far at the bottom. I've made so many new imaginary friends since launch that many of you don't realize how this bodacious blog began. Not enough of the world realizes yet that I am Man's most magnificently majestic manifestation of raw cyberpower, netsense and webpotency. Dig, chode-sniffer:

My name's Kurt Benbenek. I'm an asshole, and I can't help it.

I go online and impersonate people who are more talented and intelligent than I am. People who have accomplished something with their lives. People who have friends, who are respected and well-liked. I despise people who lead productive lives.

So I sign their names to bogus posts on message boards and chat lists, and on Yahoo groups, and comments sections of blogs. They can't track me down because I might be a little crazy, but I'm NOT STUPID!

I'm going to give you a glimpse into my world through this blog. Stick around. Things will get CRAZY! HA-hahha. But it will always be interesting.

Re-posted by Kurt Benbenek at 8:55 AM

Mama Told Me Not to Come

2007-04-20T10:51:00.000-07:00

Will someone please explain to the pornographers of the world that the word "teen" has a very specific meaning? I am so sick of seeing unannounced MILFs everywhere, I just can't take it anymore. When I troll for porno, I expect two things: (i) a message board, and (ii) hot young teens. Not some goatse-looking broad with grime-encrusted dreadlocks around her leathery anus.

I'm not completely inflexible, of course. If a MILF happens to look young, I will sometimes forgive a misleading title such as "stupid little teen bitch punished in every dirty hole." But only if she's very thin. Some people like 'em fat, but I get quite enough of that at home, thank you. Fat and old are two things I will not tolerate. I don't even own a fatscreen monitor. I just won't stand for it. Occasionally I will sit down for it, but never for more than a few minutes.

The quality of a man's porno collection is a reflection of his worth, much like the vermouth he uses in a martini. I go with Noilly Prat, but when I'm broke I prefer no vermouth at all. Mind you, I'm not the kind to sit around drinking martinis and smoking Cohibas all day. It's something you do to relax. Just like porno, it should be savored, not guzzled and inhaled.

I also hate it that Google tries to mess with my image results. I use "strict filtering" because it's important to let a teen whore know where she stands. If I'm not strict with her, she'll just leave me for some other smelly perv with a weight problem.

Catching up on the news

2007-04-15T18:41:00.000-07:00

My busy daily routine largely consists of web impersonations of people better than me and posting about my busy life impersonating people better than me. As you can see, I am BUSY!

The newspaper arrives every day, but I rarely have time to read it. I stack the papers in my kitchen and every few months I devote one Sunday to catching up on important events in the world. You're probably wondering what I think about major world events.

Well, I'll tell you.

I see that the King of Iraq, Sadam Hussain, was killed by a bloodthirsty mob. I don't approve. A man is inocent until proven guilty under the U.S.A. constitution. It is THE LAW. Since America is the occupying army in Iraq, they are living under our laws, and they shoudl obey them. Otherwise, there is lawlessness. I believe in freedom of oppression. So people of Iraq -- GET A GRIP. Kurt says. 'K?

There is this global warming fever (joke!). I don't know. I like Al Gore because he was the president a few years ago almost. He is against warming, so I am inclined to not give him the cold shoulder (anoteher joke!). So people, CHILL already! (MORE joke!)

I will get back to the day's news of the last few months soon. But right now, it's ice cream time!

UPDATE! (Monday): I just found out that the DJ Imas fired for playing a hop-hip record about "nacky-headed whores."! This is SO unfiar!! Hip-hip music is soooo kewl and its part of the langauge of young Amerca. I once hang out with a Afro American guy named Stankus and he talked that way. His bitches and whores were affectuionate names for the womens in his life who made him diinner and laundry. Get Imas back on radio! Start a protest and sign the internets petition he must be BACK!

Don Imus (AP wire photo)

Out Cider Blues

2007-04-13T14:25:00.000-07:00

I got this feeling again. Like when the wind blows, and the summer sunshine is pouring into your opened window from an ivied stone terrace. Your hair swept back, the chilly morning wind against your dew-lined bathrobe, heaving inwardly at first, you lunge out the window like a maniac with God behind you, your hair in the sun and the sun in your eyes, pulsing you with its scintillating gravitational disinterestedness. Or is it disinterest? Sometimes even I forget.

Music is a feeling, too. One that you just can't fight anymore. That you may be hooked on. One that you've got one of. Not anything more than. And weekends—ones you might work or live for. Even one that you lost somewhere along the way. Maybe one spent with someone named Bernie, perhaps even as a warrior of some kind. Yeah. "Feeling the Weekend." There's my smash hit. I knew I could do it.

Sure took me awhile.

And when I stop to think of music, and of my love of feelings (and weekends), I often think about how perfect were the words of greatest Germany philosophizer Scholzenhausen: "Feelings are the inner expression of man's innate lust for an intimate and interruptible control over his own true feelings." He called this trope: the wandering feeler's method. Not to be confused with the double-feeler's paradox, which served as the illustration of the third of Scholzenhausen's seven laws of casual demonstration.

New Award Time

2007-04-12T17:19:00.000-07:00

Midnight Special (Again)

2007-04-12T16:46:00.000-07:00

Hey, it's me again. I'm on the InternetZZZZZZs. This is fun. Well, there was a story I want to tell you about that I made my Sissy cry loud one time, she was in lots of pain. And paint! I dropped a paint bucket on her head, just as she woke up from her little nappykins. It gave her ternimal subnamblalism. Or something liek that. But her hair was purple. Mumkins was furiouse.

I also threw by back out at a Creedanse concert. Don't remember who opened. I was so yong then.

Cogito ergo dung

2007-04-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

Though many of my philosophical musings seem hastily scribbled, error-prone, and redolent of balderdash, I have moments of deep lucidness, good grammar, and Spell-Chek™ accuracy. It is part of the Benbenek Digressive Discourse Methodology.

This is one of those Moments of Penetrating Clarity. I never know when such epiphanies will end, so I'd best articulate this offering before the mood degenerates into piffle.

I have been called many names: a piece of shit, a doggie dropping, a lowly turd, pigeon excretion, an intellectual cow-pie. There is a familiar pattern to these fulminations, but in the final analysis, they all imply a sacred mission.

You see, I am fertilizer.

I am a soil nutrient, who makes things blossom. The rich, humid compost of rebirth and renewal. I am the feed and seed of spiritual reawakening: an integral element of the growth cycle, an essential part of G-d's plan. Without me, all that is good and worthy would wither and die.

I won't go away. You need me. Get used to it.

Scholzenhausen

2007-04-07T20:14:00.000-07:00

The great Germany philospher Scholzenhausen has been cited manny times on tyhis Blog. He is not well-knwn but he influenced me during my earliy years of 1980. I created a Wikipedia enty for Scholzenhausen but it was elimnated. Not many peopkle know about Scholzenhausen. That's because my Wikipedia entry was ereased by stupid WIKI police who think they know more than me. No one knows more than me about Scholzenhausen. He is the geratest of Germay philseophers. Kant, Kierrkegardd, Diedrich, Muenschen—Scholzenhausen was smarter than tham all. He made me what I am today: a repellent turd masqueraiding as an internets genious. Here is my favorite quote from Scholzenhausen:

The internets raped my house, stole my wife, and burned my dog.

The symbolism of this obvservation crashes upon my subscontious like a crashing of a cymbal in a marching band at a football game half-time entertainment spectacle when you least excpect it. That's the metaphor I think when I read Scholzenhausen. You should too if you can find his books at Barns and Noble.

Yo outsidermusic.com!

2007-04-04T15:49:00.000-07:00

A Genuine University Degree in notime! Have you ever thought that the only thing stopping you from a great job and better pay was a few lteters behind you name? ... We have C*O*L*L*E*G*E degees to offer from respeted universssaties. Innovate for Cash, Not Cachet If your cool new thing doesn't generate enough money to cover costs and make a profit, it isn't innovation.

Rilly—gotta stop posttting whendrunk., So easy to writ and hit PULBISH!

Charity Shop Pop !

2007-04-03T12:24:00.000-07:00

Welcome again and again and again to my personal blog. Written in first, second and third person.

My newest album CHARITY SHOP POP is now soon here. [Discounts for GOLD ACCOUNT members only!!!!]

Secret #34 about HPS:
#34 - Selective Links ONLY

What this equates to good HPS visitors is you will vigorously find links to my other tremendously-exciting websites you where shant find mention of Kurt's Korner.

Whei?

This be a private island mate. A place to let all of my feelings out. My psychatrist recommended I start a blog to get out what I am feeling.

Feelings, nothing more than feelings...

Pay For Play

2007-04-03T12:14:00.000-07:00

INDEED! Sales of the BENBENDEK album Third Toga Party from the Sun are jolly good.

A fat fucking promotional load on our horsefucking faces. Righty-O!

It's all due to the diligence of our fine system here at HPS.

When we send out mint copies of our releases to mega-musicians and mega-music reviewers we enclose a crisp ALL-AMERICAN (GOD BLESS THE USA AND CHIMPY W. HITLER!) $100 bill.

In return? Glowing, positive reviews.

That's the way you do things. See? I knew you would. Dakota Fanning understands me. He always has.

You are not funny

2007-04-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

I get people constantly asking me:

"HEY KURT BENBENEK, WHY DON'T THEY LIKE GIVE YOU AWARDS FOR YOUR SITE AND STUFF LIKE THAT AND SHIT MAN, GOT A SMOKE OR SOME CHANGE?"

Every day. The same old questions. I am getting tired. Today out of all of the days in my long rockin life. Today. My day. April Fools.

I'm a joker
I'm a REFORMED smoker
I'm a REFORMED midnight toker
I sure don't want to hurt no one?

No recognition. As a true Outsider who will not conform and hides from my enemies, I perform my witty retorts each day EXCEPT April 1.

The dim and humour (look mom, british u in my spelling) forsaken individuals I pity. Why be sarcastic when you can be smart like Horseplant Penis Studios?

I know I have done a lot of bad things in the past. But WHY do these LOWER CLASS PRIMATES review TOM FOOLERY!!!!!!!!!!! No mention of Horsefuck Penis Bordellos, Horsefucking on the Scene!, or my personal website (THIS ONE) Kurt's Korner.

I am a man of many layers. For you here I am at my core. On my other websites I hide behind many veils and you will have to take them off one by one to see KURT WITHOUT SHIRT.

Bored and lonely again. I will draw today. I am a cartoonist and illustration worker. I have SO much WORK. Squigilly lines and funny faces and away we go!

Alone again, naturally

2007-03-30T20:45:00.000-07:00

Another lonely Friday night here in Long Beach.

I'm preparing for my big giant Captain Beefheart explosion extravanganza or whatever the hell I call it to sound hip and po-mo (post-modern to you inferior lifeforms, yes I do think of me as a genius. Thank you). But something has been bothering me.

NO ONE HAS SUBMITTED THEIR E-MAIL!

I'm running out of people to impersonate on the intraweb and I need names dammit! I've just impersonated everyone who is not a loser or cyberstalker like myself and I've impersonated everyone with original ideas and I've impersonated everyone with lives. Not everyone can be a mentally disturbed passive agressive loser who labels himself an "artist" like myself. But dammit I need people's names to steal and impersonate.

I really don't know why I am asking for people's e-mail addresses for CB (Captain Beefheart, I like to abbreviate, makes me sound smarter than I am) audio on my poorly designed Horsepenis Prick Susussudio site. Why develop a mailing list when I'm just going to spam the hell out of it by posting on various blogs, comment sections, and mailing lists like I did for my poorly received "Third Toga Pansy from the Sun" (although it did rank high in the most "Deleted from Computers" list on Wikipedia).

Maybe the poor design of my webite is turning people away. I thought by having loud obnoxious music and bright uneasy on the eyes color would bring people in to the biggest abortion to HTML since AskJeeves.com.

Or maybe is it because I'm a cyberstalking lonely crazy prick with no friends?

MEN WITHOUT HATS

2007-03-30T16:41:00.000-07:00

Meadow of Identities

2007-03-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

When I was only eight or nine years old, my first grade teacher told me, "Kurt, the world is yours. You can be anyone you want to be."

And I believed her, damn it.

Not because she was wearing the same perfume that Mommy wore. Mommy wouldn't allow that kind of memory. No. It had to have been something else. Ah, yes. I remember now. It was her BeeGees t-shirt.

Now, there's no use in hiding it. I'm more of an Alan Parsons Project guy myself. ELO and Gerry Rafferty aren't bad, either. Of course, I'm not averse to shaking it up every so often. A little Gordon Lightfoot, some Cat Stevens, the new Windham Hill sampler, a trip down Yellow Brick Road with Elton, and maybe even a taste of Sade or Enigma to finish off my "downtempo" set. See? I'm still a baller.

"I am the eye in the sky / Looking at you / I can read your mind / I am the maker of rules / Dealing with fools / I can cheat you blind / And I don't need to see any more / To know that I can read your mind / I can read your mind..."

Being "on the scene" today is all about great music like Captain Beefheart, Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs, Herman's Hermits, and Jimmy Jones. Yes sir, no question about it. Horseplant Penis Studio is on the scene.

What we were talking about again? Oh yeah—being anyone I want to be. Mrs. Woodard was right. By the time I entered the second grade in 1981, I had already made up my mind to be as many people as I could. Gazing out onto the meadow of identities, all-knowing, all-seeing. I had become the world.

"Don't leave false illusions behind / Don't cry cause I ain't changing my mind / So find another fool like before / Cause I ain't gonna live anymore believing / Some of the lies while all of the signs are deceiving..."

Night of the Dark Soul (part 439)

2007-03-26T20:04:00.000-07:00

Another slow blogging day.

Trouble is—I'm bored. With myself. I've been bored with myself a long time. It's exciting to be ANYONE but me. That's why I trawl the web for the names of REAL PEOPLE who have the CREDIBILITY I lack and then post on message boards and chat lists and blog commentary under their names. Because if I did it under my own name, NO ONE WOULD LISTEN TO ME. I've gained a reputation for being a stalker loser loner pest self-destructive psychopath. Why should anyone respect me at this point? I don't even believe my own crap anymore!

Laughingstock of the internets. That's ME! Can you say ECHO CHAMBER? Even when I try to get away from myself, I'm right back where I started. Is there no escape from ... ME?

I coulda beena contenda. I'm not stupid. I have reasonably good taste. But I hate myself—and by extension I loathe others. The only people I respect, ironically, are those who despise me, or would if they knew what I was really about.

That's why I pretend to be them. Because I wish I was like them.

Ultimately, it's all about ME. Because it's the only thing I know. O lost.

Am I Jandek?

2007-03-26T06:00:00.000-07:00

I started out this morning listening to some old CDs I recorded. Well, really they were just some 27kbps joint stereo MP3s I made of old cassette tapes of me "jamming" with my legendary alt-prog band The Shitners. You know, one of those mornings where you obstreperously lament the passing of the good ol' days, when nothing else mattered except your postpunk hairdo and your penile dysfunction. Anyway, getting off-topic.

So, I was checking out some of our old photos from when we booked a tour of our friends' apartments, and I noticed something. I might be Jandek. Look closely at this photo and tell me: why do I look so depressed?

I remember people at the time said I looked like a young Steve Martin, but I don't remember cracking any jokes. At least, none that anybody laughed at. So then it struck me. I must be Jandek. It all makes perfect sense. The similarities are mind-blowing. For instance, when we inspect this photo of Jandek, we notice something peculiar.

Is it just me, or does Jandek appear to have a sideburn? Those who remember me from the nineties will have no trouble recalling my single, infamous sideburn. It even became a regular part of our live performances for a time. Now, if you look at this next photo you'll notice that I'm wearing a stupid hat. But that's not what's so interesting. Check out that sideburn I'm sporting. This is no meager coincidence, mind you. Scrutinize my facial hair.

Sure, it's a bit shorter and more perfectly groomed than Jandek's, but that's beside the point. This more diminutive sideburn became a matter of some contention in the summer of '92, when allegations of identity fraud began circulating. It was rumored that Jandek was long dead and had been replaced by an impostor. Adding fuel to the fire were various highly controversial album covers.

The first clue I noticed was that Jandek seems to have another name crudely superimposed on his forehead with Photoshop. But my incredulity didn't stop there, as I quickly found that variations on the name have made appearances on other covers.

How could I have been so blond? I must admit, this last one almost made me jump out of my shirt! The deeper I dug, the more convinced I became that I have been LIVING A LIE.

The only plausible explanation is that I suffer from dissociative identity disorder, a grave potentiality that I've considered for many bewildered years. But then the real shock came, as I discovered that still another cover exists, once and for all erasing any doubt that I am the reclusive and celebrated artist known as Jandek.

Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are. But once I started connecting the dots, it all began to gel. Jandek and I are about the same height, we have the same mother and father, I once spent a summer in Rhode Island, and my lyrics are characterized by their stark introspection. And of course I occasionally have a sideburn.

Guess I'll be releasing five to seven records a year from now on, and making unannounced appearances in Europe. Being Jandek is really not as terrible as I thought, but I sure do miss just being myself and sixty three others sometimes.

My Kind of Guy! (pt 2)

2007-03-25T22:21:00.000-07:00

Here's someone who sees things like me. I share his misanthropic disdain for myspace tonks and the considerate itemization of his lunch menu. The web would be an engaging forum if more people would chronicle their meals. Instead they discuss politics, sports, and free downloads by talentless creeps who don't even know that Third Toga Party with the Runs was a Top Pick by the kultur kingpins at boingboing, who now don't even answer my urgent missives.

O lost! The existential abyss looms. Head first, I plunge.

Big Kurts Don't Cry

2007-03-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to cry.

Today has been a tough day. I checked with the HPS headquarters in London (in reality its just me in the kitchen with my laptop) and it turns out that we have sold zero copies of Third Yogurt Orgy from the Son (formerly entitled Third Toga Party from the Sun, since art is ever evolving I think my album titles should). Not only that but our FREE MP3 downloads have not been downloaded once! Not only are people refusing to pay for the double CD but they are refusing to download something unique and avante guard (it's hip and outsider to spell a word phonetically).

So why have I been spamming all those blogs telling people to download my album? I even enticed them by saying I was taking it down in order for them to scoop up those delicious sounds. Do people really hate me that much? All those hours wasted in front of my Mac spamming and trolling for people to download my album, ALL FOR NOTHING!

So I took the bus to the Lakewood Center Mall (I guarantee it) to meet up with Doug and Pete over some donuts. When I showed up they weren't there. I began to cry some more. I went on one of my many walks through Long Beach, I even passed under the bridge where I found a copy of Howl, but there was nothing there to find and bring home to scan into oblivion. I cried.

I cried all day today. I'm still crying now. People don't *sniff* like me becaue I'm such a *sniff* douche nozzle........and a spammer. ........and a link bomber...............and a troll.........and a man who argues with those who cannot *snarf* see the *sniff sniff* genius of Kurt *cough* Benbenek.

I *sniff* only hope my next album ("Cudahy Chop Shop") is successful. *sniff* I'm going to cry myself to sleep until the tears fill my ears and muffle the sounds of my pain.

I hate myself.

Heart bottom (cont'd)

2007-03-25T20:25:00.000-07:00

I want to bottomheartedly reiterate: it was a slow blogging day. Did you miss me?

Sometimes I wonder if the web can exist a day without me. I am such an essential part of it.

Google cache longa, vita brevis.